Chapter Four: Breaking the Wait

Chapter Four:  Breaking the Wait

            Michael met Ellie at the mall and the time went by quickly.  He was so preoccupied that he didn’t remember what the final product was or where they got it.  And when they were done they sat at a table in the food court, drinking orange juliuses.

            “Michael,” Ellie said, pulling his attention for a moment, “You’ll be fine.  Just try to think of it as if you were going to hang out with Yuuki.”

            “That’s all well and good,” he said, “but I don’t want to do the same things with or to Yuuki as I do with Lukas,” he grunted in frustration.  “I don’t understand how he has gotten under my skin.  What is it about him that has me even turning away from women?”

            “That’s exactly what this date is about,” Ellie said after a moment.  “You are going to find out more about him, things that you can’t find online.  Things that he may not show any one else.” She was trying to comfort him.

            “That’s what I worry about.  What if he does feel comfortable enough to show me his secrets?  What am I supposed to do then?  And what if it turns out that I don’t want to pursue this and I end up hurting him?”  He could feel his chest getting tighter as he spoke and he was starting to sweat.

            Ellie laid a soft, gentle hand on his and said, “You can’t worry about that right now, you have to take one step at a time.  Chances are that he won’t tell you any deep dark secret tomorrow.  But as you guys get to know each other and become closer, that’s when he will share.  And by then you’ll have decided if you want to pursue it or not and no one will get hurt.”

            “Yeah, you’re probably right,” he said, taking a deep breath.  “Can I tell you something?”

            “Of course,” she smiled and nodded.

            “I’ve never been in any sort of close relationship, except with Yuuki, and that’s not what I mean.”  He paused, rubbing his chest, to try to ease the tightness.  “I keep myself distant from people because I can’t handle the anxiety that comes with it.  I’ve… had a rocky life up til now and sometimes just normal living is hard for me.  I’m afraid of …” he looked away and took another deep breath, his fingers were going numb.

            She gripped his hand, squeezing it.  “I know.” She said softly, “I can see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice.  I won’t pry, but you can be as open or closed with me as you want.  Tell me when you’re feeling uneasy and I’ll do my best to help you.” She was so kind to him.  “And that’s what you need to do with Lukas.  You don’t have to share everything with him, but don’t assume he knows or try to be something you’re not.” She squeezed his hand one more time then let go, saying, “Now, let’s go do something fun and get your mind off of all this worry!”  she stood up and he followed.  They left the mall and traveled down the street to a near-by movie theater.  “Look, just in time!”  She walked up to the window and ordered two tickets to see the new Star Wars movie.  “Let’s go!”  She trotted to the concession stand and then to the theater.  They sat near the middle and enjoyed the movie and treats that she had gotten.

            When the movie was over they went their separate ways.  She had to do some work on her thesis and he was going to try to get over his writer’s block.  He wandered into the book store a few blocks from the theater.  It was an older store, but he always went there before any others, and it had become his favorite in New York.  He perused the new release section.  He saw that his latest novel was no longer in that section, but he wasn’t looking for it anyways.  He picked up a couple that caught his eye and read the backs of them just to find that he couldn’t settle on any of them.  He left that section and wandered down the aisle of fictional works, but his mind was elsewhere and he just wandered through the aisle before he turned the corner into another aisle.  He was reading titles when he heard a voice that he recognized.  It was coming from the aisle behind him.  He walked to the end and peeked around to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating.  To his delight and panic he found that he wasn’t, for there, talking with an employee, was Lukas.  He was wearing a long tan dress coat, slacks and dress shoes.  His nose was a little red from the cold, but he was as handsome as ever.  Michael caught himself staring before he quickly escaped down an aisle and made his way to the door.  He didn’t want to run into Lukas right now, he wasn’t composed and he wasn’t ready.  He made it out the door and down the street a few blocks before he started walking a more normal pace.  He was still breathing and absently rubbing his chest again.

            “That was close,” he whispered to himself, then, hurried home.  When he made it in the door, he was short on breath and sweating, but the comfort of his home was calming him.  He took a few deep breaths and removed his jacket.  He walked down the hall to his work room and turned the lights on.  He flipped on the stereo, plugging his phone into it.  He selected a group of songs that fit his emotional state: he was in turmoil.  He dimmed the lights and turned up the music.  He stood in the dark room, closing his eyes, letting the music flow around him.  He felt his fear and his excitement in the beats.  He bowed his head and rocked to the music.  He couldn’t help the smile that took over his face, he was losing himself in the music, but it surprised him.  So, he brought his fingers up and touched his lips.  He imagined those fingers were his.  They caressed his lower lip and he licked the tip of the index finger that then traced a wet trail down his chin and neck.  They ran under the collar of his shirt, touching the skin over his collar bone and then back up, grasping his neck.  He felt a breath in his ear.

            “Michael,” it whispered.  He let out a small moan which took him by surprised and was brought back out of his fantasy.  He was hot and his pants had become uncomfortable.  He let out a surprised laugh.

            “What is happening?” he asked out loud.  He leaned against the wall and slid down it, sitting on the floor.  He was panting but he didn’t have the usual tight chest and fading sight.  Was it not a panic attack?  “This is something else.”  He laid his head against the wall and laughed again.  “I’m in trouble.”

***

            His alarm was blaring in his ear.  He grabbed his phone and turned it off.  He was extremely tired, after a restless night he only got a few hours of broken sleep.  He grumbled and rolled over and stayed in bed.  He couldn’t fall back asleep so he sat up and rubbed his face.  His phone starting vibrating and when he looked at it he saw he had a text from Ellie.

            Today’s the day! <3

He responded:

            Thanks… as if I wasn’t nervous enough…

*Vrrrr Vrrr*

            Don’t be like that!  You’ll be fine.  Try to have fun.

How am I supposed to do that???

            

            Well, don’t act like it’s a date, act like you’re going

            to hang out with one of your buddies.  I know you

            are worried about it not being the same thing, but

            if that’s how you have to act until you get

            comfortable, then that’s what you have to do.

…

It’s impossible to pretend he is a friend.

…

I’m going to cancel.

            

           NO! You can’t, you’ll regret it if you do.  You

            will never know what could have been.  And

            plus, even if it goes to shit, the worse that can

            happen is that you’ll never see him again,

            am I right?

… I suppose.

           

            You know I am! :)

I wish I had your confidence.

            

            You wouldn’t be you if you did, plus, I need

            a little less sometimes, haha!!

That’s true.

            

            Hey now!  Anyway, I’m here if you need me

            just send me a text if you need an escape : ) <3

Thanks.

He finally got out of bed and made himself some breakfast.  His anxiety over the evening to come was so high that he couldn’t eat.  He dumped it in the garbage and washed his dish.  Then, he paced in his kitchen, his hands shaking and his breath shallow.  He decided that he needed to burn off some of the anxious energy so he dressed in his jogging pants and a light hoodie.  He went outside to see that it had started snowing.  He pulled up his hood and began running. He ran for almost an hour before he felt he was calm enough to go back home.

He took a long hot shower, trying to use the time to think of a story, but still nothing came to him.  When he was finished he returned to his work room.  He sat at his desk in silence.  He couldn’t focus, so he absently scribbled on his notepad, writing down crazy ideas that he knew he would never be able to do or even had an interest in writing about.  He finally gave up and went to watch some TV.  It seemed that time was crawling and speeding by at the same time.  He looked at the clock every ten minutes, it seemed, but before he knew it, it was getting very close to time for him to leave.

He dressed and brushed his hair.  Then, as the minutes crept by, he started pacing, trying to keep his anxiety from spiking.  He was taking deep breaths and trying to will himself to calm down.  It worked to some extent but by then it was time for him to leave, if he wanted to get to the restaurant before Lukas.  He thought he would walk off the rest of his nervousness by the time he got there.

He walked into the restaurant fifteen minutes before Lukas was to arrive.  He had to wait for a few before his table was ready because he was so early.  When he was seated, it was at a secluded table towards the back.  He asked for the spot because he knew that the lights would be dimmer and they filled the restaurant from the front to the back during the week.  The restaurant had an older style, but not tacky.  The walls were painted a dark maroon with thick, dark wooden beams to split up the walls.  The floors were the same dark wood as well as the tables.  They were thick but coated with a layer of clear to protect the wood and make for easy cleaning.  The chairs were comfortable enough, they were what you would expect in a higher-end restaurant.  He ordered a glass of wine and drank it quickly, trying to calm himself, which, he noticed, the walk had not done.  With each step closer he had become more and more anxious.

The waitress filled his glass for a second time when the hostess walked up.  “Here you are, sir,” she motioned to Michael’s table and behind her he saw Lukas.  He stood, greeting him stiffly.  He was dressed similar to when he saw him yesterday, but when he took his coat off he saw that he was wearing a three piece suit and made Michael feel under dressed.  Michael was wearing dress slacks as well, but he wore a black button down shirt and a loose, black blazer that he had taken off and hung over his chair.  Michael retook his chair, already mentally kicking himself.  Lukas followed suite and when the waitress asked what he wanted to drink he said he’d have what Michael was having.  Michael looked up, hearing his voice was like being caressed by rose petals.  It wasn’t soft or bashful, but it had a firm smoothness to it that Michael wanted to hear more of.

Lukas looked at Michael and didn’t hide that he was examining him.  His brown eyes lingered on Michael’s green ones.  When Michael couldn’t take the silent intensity any more he said, “So, you’re here.” And he kicked himself again.

“I am indeed.” Lukas answered.  “Ask your question.” He looked away just long enough to take a sip of wine.

“My question?” Michael asked, baffled.

“Yes, you look as if you’re holding back a question.” Lukas said.

“Well, I have a lot of questions, but I thought we could just talk a little,” Michael said.

“Alright, I’m fine with that.  What would you like to talk about?”

“Anything,” Michael said, I just want to hear your voice.  “Tell me a little bit about what makes your writing so great?  What inspires you?”  He thought of starting with something current and simple, then working up to the past.

“You wore your hair down tonight,” Lukas said, completely ignoring his questions.

Michael was embarrassed and tucked one side behind his ear.  “Yeah, I thought it was nicer down than up in a haphazard mess.”

“It looks nice.” Lukas said.

“Thank you,” Michael said, blushing.

Lukas nodded.  “As to the answer to your question, my secret to success will remain that.” He looked away again, but Michael noticed that he seemed scorned, like Michael had asked him a much harsher question.

“If you insist,” Michael said.  This is going splendidly… “Well, I have no secret, I let the pen speak and I follow where it wants to go.”

“That’s a rather risky way to write.  Aren’t you afraid you may be led astray?” Lukas asked.

“Not at all.  It has never led me anywhere I did not want to go.  And up till now it had a lot to say, but it’s not speaking to me right now.”  Michael said, sourly.

“Perhaps it has run out of inspiration.”  Lukas said.  “What do you do when you are blocked?”

“This being the first time, I don’t have a clue,” he answered honestly.

“What are your favorite activities?” Lukas asked.

Michael laughed, “Writing is my favorite.” He took a breath and thought for a moment, “I guess being outside, really anything outside I enjoy.  Hiking, running, even taking pictures all give me some level of joy.”

Lukas smiled for the first time, “I understand that,” he said but Michael was too busy staring at his face.  He was handsome before but now…  Michael felt his breath get shallow and he felt antsy.  He licked his lips but couldn’t stop staring.  “Michael,” hearing his name come from those lips sent a shiver down his back.  He hid it by reaching for his wine.

“What is happening?” he asked into his glass.

“There is the question.” Lukas said.

Michael gulped down the rest of his wine and sat the glass down a little harder than he meant to.  “Yes it is.”  He took a deep breath and spoke quickly, “Look, I know very little about you and I just saw your smile for the first time.  I don’t understand what is happening to me, but you’re driving me crazy.”  He took another breath and motioned to the restaurant, “this place is nice, but it’s not really me.  I was trying to impress you.  You seem like a man of expensive tastes, but I’m very simple.  Take me to a dive bar with fried food and I’m good.  Hell, a sandwich from a convenient store is fine by me.  I’d much rather be walking in the snow right now than sitting in a nice, but stuffy restaurant.”  He got quiet and looked Lukas straight in the eye.  “What do you say, to help move this along, that we go back to the place where this all started, get a few drinks and have a real talk?”  When he finished he was gripping the table with a shaky hand.

Lukas gave him a full smile and said, “I never thought you’d ask.”  He stood and put on his coat, holding out a hand for Michael.  Michael took it and Lukas pulled him up and within an inch of touching Lukas.  “Let’s go have some fun.” He whispered and Michael felt his breath on his cheek.  He turned and grabbed his coat and blazer and dragged Lukas out the front door, leaving money on the table.  Michael led the way, never letting go of Lukas’s hand.  They made it to the bar a little after nine and were among the first few to get inside.

“The DJ is still setting up and I promise to not knock your glass out of your hand tonight.  I don’t want to…” Michael drifted off.

“Trigger me?” Lukas said, letting go of Michael’s hand.  “I’ll be fine, it takes very particular things to trigger me, I’ll tell you if any happen.”

Michael turned to face him, a serious look on his face.  “Do you promise me that you’ll tell me?”

“I promise if you’ll do the same.  Whatever this is heading towards will never work if we can’t trust each other.  You understand what it’s like…”

“PTSD?” Michael asked, gently.

“Yes,” Lukas walked up to the bar and ordered two shots and two drinks.  Michael found a table next to the dance floor and laid his coat on the chair.  Lukas sat down the glasses, handing a shot to Michael.

He raised his up and chinked it against Lukas’s, “here’s to the broken!”  Lukas nodded and they both drank.

Half an hour and many more drinks later, Michael was bopping from side to side to the music.  “Now, tell me, Lukas,” he said.  “What do you do?”

“What do you mean?” Lukas asked, a smile playing on his lips.

“I want to kiss those lips…”  Michael said, a look of hunger on his face.

“Do you?” Lukas bit his lower lip.

“Yes,” Michael took a deep breath.

“Then do it.” Lukas said.  Michael slid out of his chair and to his feet.  He came around the table and put his hands down on either side of Lukas’s legs.

He leaned in and whispered, “What makes you tick, Lukas?  What heats you up and makes you pant?”

Lukas gripped his thighs.  “Michael…”

“I’ll kiss you if you answer.”  Michael teased.

This time it was Lukas that took a deep breath.  “I… enjoy reading comics, watching documentaries, running, and sketching, even though I’m terrible at it.”

“Ooohh, did you just tell me a secret?” Michael “ehe’d” in Lukas’s ear.

Lukas grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him in from of him.  “You promised—“ Michael had taken his lips with his own.  He kissed him gently, but Lukas wanted more and pulled him closer, making the kiss hard and hot.  Michael pulled back, out of breath.

“Do you live near here?”  Michael asked.

“Yes, but I want to dance.” Lukas answered and pushed Michael away from him and stood.

“Dance?  With me?” Michael asked confused.

“Let’s be crazy, just for tonight.”

“I think we have very different definitions for that word,” Michael said.

“We’ll get to the good stuff later, but for now, while we are here, let’s not rush it.” Lukas started walking to the middle of the dance floor.  There were few people there so they had plenty of room.  The music was loud and Michael could feel the bass in the floor.  He moved as best he could to the beat.  Lukas was much stiffer than he was and he reached for him.  He placed his hand on Lukas’s hips and swooped them with his hands.  Lukas was hot, he could feel it through his shirt and vest.  Lukas stepped closer to Michael, pressing his hips against Michael’s.  Michael shivered and gripped Lukas’s harder.  Lukas stopped.

“Fuck this… I can’t take you anymore.” Lukas stalked off the floor, leaving Michael looking after him, confused.  Lukas put his jacket and coat back on and turned to face Michael.  “Are you coming?” he yelled over the music.  Michael hurried over to him, finishing off his drink and putting his coat on at the same time.  Lukas was already half way to the door before he started after him.  He disappeared out the door and Michael had to jog to catch up.  He exited the door and was grabbed and pushed up against the wall.  Lukas pinned him there with his own body.  He leaned in and kissed him, he was hungry for Michael and he answered him with his own hunger.  Lukas pushed his legs apart with his knee and rubbed his thigh against Michael’s, moving it up until Michael gasped.  Lukas stepped back and walked away from him.  Michael followed.  They walked like that for three blocks then into an apartment building, up two flights of stairs and into apartment 2B.

Lukas tossed his coat, jacket, and vest onto the floor as Michael followed him in.  Michael barely had time to close the door before he felt a tug at his coat and blazer.  They were pulled off him aggressively and threw to the floor.  Michael wasn’t about to be outdone and he approached Lukas.  He kissed him on the cheek then down his neck.  He was flush but he remained still.  Michael stood upright and lifted his hand to Lukas’s face.  He ran his thumb over Lukas’s lower lip and, as if reflex, Lukas licked it as it passed by his tongue.  Michael bit his own lower lip and ran his wet thumb down Lukas’s chin and down his neck, as he had imagined last night.  Lukas let out a small moan.  Michael leaned in and nibbled on his neck but got frustrated when he was stopped by Lukas’s collar.

“May I?” he asked as he reached for the buttons on Lukas’s shirt.

Lukas just smiled at him.  Michael took that as a yes and unbuttoned his shirt the whole way down, yanking it roughly out when he got to the bottom and found it tucked in.  He slid the opening over Lukas’s shoulders so his shirt was handing off his elbows.  He stood in front of Lukas and just looked at him.  He was well built, he was toned but not extensively muscular.  Michael ate him up with his eyes.

“What is happening?” he whispered.

“There’s that question again,” Lukas said.

“What have you done to me?  Why is it I want you more than any woman ever?”  He reached out and ran his fingers gently down his chest to his stomach, his fingers were trembling.  He knew that he was drunk and that will help with his panic, he hoped that it would be enough for this huge change.

Lukas saw his turmoil and let his shirt slip off his arms to the ground.  He reached out to Michael and wrapped his hands around his back and pulled him against him.  Lukas kissed Michael again, dragging him out of his thoughts.  “I don’t believe right now we should think of that.”  He kissed him again and while he distracted him reached between them and started unbuttoning Michael’s shirt.  Michael helped, responding to his touch.  He dropped his shirt to the floor while Lukas slid a hand under his tank touching his skin.  Then, he pulled it off Michael, dropping it on top of his dress shirt.  He leaned down and kissed his bare skin, all the way down to the top of his pants.  Michael groaned and touched Lukas’s shoulder with is hand.  His hand was shaking and his breath was shallow, but he thought it was just his excitement.  Lukas ran a finger under fabric of Michael’s pants, just barely touching his left hip and across to his right.  Michael gasped, his chest getting tight and black creeping into his vision.

Michael reached down and grabbed Lukas’s hair and pulled him away from himself.  He knelt down in front of Lukas, still squatting.  He pushed him lightly on the shoulders, causing him to fall down on his backside.  He kept pushing, and crawled up him as Lukas reached the floor.  Lukas was laying out before him.  Michael ran his hand up Lukas’s thigh, gripping his hip and leaning down to lick under his belly button.  Lukas moaned and Michael gripped harder.  He bit down on the top of Lukas’s pants, pulling the button clear off.  He turned and dropped the button onto Lukas’s belly.  He pressed his tongue under the zipper, sliding it down as he pushed further.  He stopped just before reaching Lukas’s swollen cock.  Lukas sighed.  Michael’s breath was very shallow and he was losing feeling in his hands and feet, but he kept going, he didn’t want to stop.  He put hands and knees on either side of him, moving slowly up Lukas’s body with his tongue.

Michael reached his chest and laid his head down on it.  His sight was almost black now and he was feeling dizzy.  Why now? He thought, but he knew.  Lukas could feel his breath coming fast and reached up and lightly touched his face.  He was sweating and then Michael completely collapsed on top of Lukas.