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Chapter Seven: Breaking the Emptiness

Chapter Seven: Breaking the Emptiness

            Michael reached up and pulled the blanket off the back of his couch, pulling it down over them.  He wasn’t cold and neither was Lukas, he could feel the heat coming off his skin and he was still covered in sweat.  But he wanted to wrap them up and block the world out, even if it was for just a minute.  He slid his arm back around Lukas, under the blanket.  Lukas sighed and settled in closer to Michael, his body fit perfectly against Michael’s.  Michael didn’t want this moment to end, he could feel Lukas’s calm and he wanted nothing more than to be the reason for that.   Michael wanted to ask but he didn’t want to break the comfortable silence between them, he just wanted to absorb his smell, the feel of his skin on his, and his arms around him.

            Lukas shifted a little, rubbing his cheek against Michael’s bare stomach.  He sighed again, “hmm.. Michael,” he mumbled.   Michael smiled.  “Can I just stay here?” Lukas asked.

            Michael ran his hands over Lukas’s skin, “I don’t want you to leave, either.”  He could feel Lukas smile against him.  Michael pulled one of Lukas’s hands up to his mouth and kissed it gently.  “I want you to be mine.” He said softly and Lukas turned his head so he could see Michael, who was looking right at him.  “I want to possess every part of you.  I want to know everything there is to know about you.  And I want you to tell me what you are thinking.”

            Lukas studied his face, as if he was speaking a different language.  “I’m… You don’t know what you’re saying,” he looked away.

            Michael rested a hand on his cheek and drew his attention and sight back towards him.  “I know exactly what I’m saying.  I’ve never said it before, so I’m not sure I’m saying it right, but I know what it is I’m saying.”  Lukas leaned against Michael’s hand and took a pained breath.

            “Michael…” he said quietly.  “I want that, too, but… I can’t relinquish control to anyone…”

            “I don’t want control of you, I just want you.”  Michael said.

            Lukas turned and kissed Michael’s fingers, “I can’t…” Lukas said and Michael took a quick breath, preparing for rejection.  “I can’t give you everything right now, but I will give you what I can,” he said against Michael’s fingers.  Michael let out his breath.  He stared at Lukas, watching him with his eyes closed and his lips against his skin.  He was being so gentle.  “You have to do one thing for me, though,” he said and opened his eyes, looking at Michael.  Michael looked at him with a questioning look on his face.  “Fight for me,” he echoed Michael’s own words.  “Don’t let me run away or block you out, because I will.  I’ll push you away and I’ll try to destroy what we have.”  Michael listened to Lukas as if he was listening to himself, he had done the same many times over, even without wanting to.

            Michael grasped Lukas’s hand, and entwined his fingers within his, “I will fight until the end, and then keep fighting.  I won’t let you run away because I won’t let myself run away.”

            Lukas squeezed Michael’s hand and turned his head so he could kiss Michael’s stomach.  “Good,” his breath tickled Michael’s skin.  After a moment of gentle kisses, Lukas, without looking up, said, “Are you afraid?” Kiss and pause, “I’m afraid.”

            “Of course I’m afraid, I’m afraid of letting you in and falling for you and then having something happen; you disappearing from my side and not being able to touch you or hear your voice again… I don’t want to be empty again, but if I run in fear now then I’ll never know if you are the one person that can make me whole again…”  Michael took a deep breath, he was starting to get himself worked up and, even though he was still drunk, he could feel his chest tighten.  He rubbed it absently and Lukas looked up, watching him.  He reached with his hand and placed it over Michael’s, moving his hand with Michael’s.  Michael’s hand slowed and finally stopped then Lukas moved his hand and placed it over Michael’s heart.

            He felt the strong beats of it and said, “I won’t break it.”  Michael closed his eyes and took a deep breath then nodded.  Lukas went back to kissing him and as we did he started sliding up.  He didn’t miss an inch of him, and when Michael opened his eyes he was face to face with Lukas.  He smiled and kissed Michael’s lips, gently.  “I won’t break you, though I make no promises about biting, scratching, or restraining…”  Michael made a noise of surprise and saw that Lukas was smiling.

            “That’s going to be a whole different conversation all together.” He said

            “I don’t think we need to have that conversation, considering,” he ran a finger over Michael’s scratched ribs, “you seemed to enjoy it.” He had a look of pleasure on his face and Michael flushed.

            “I was just trying to be your outlet…” Michael said a little sheepishly.

            “That’s not convincing,” Lukas said with a laugh.  He leaned down and nibbled on his neck.  “Are you saying you don’t like this, either?” he said against Michael’s skin and without control, Michael shuddered.  “I’ll take that as a no.”

            “Shower….” Michael said with a hoarse voice.  Lukas lifted up so he could see Michael’s face, he was looking away.  “We need a shower…” he said again.

            Lukas sat up on his knees so that Michael could get up, but it didn’t escape his notice that Michael was hard again.  “Oh~” he said with a roguish grin.

            Michael quickly laid his hands over himself, hiding his current state.  He slid off the couch and tried to stand but immediately fell to the floor.

            “Michael!” Lukas knelt down beside him, “Are you okay?”

            “Um…” Michael was embarrassed, “I can’t walk… my, um, backside… and my legs are numb.”  Lukas was filled with pride but held it in as he pulled Michael’s arm over his shoulder and lifted him up.  “It’s that way,” Michael pointed to the hallway.

            Lukas was smiling and Michael saw it.  He mock punched him in the ribs and told him that it wasn’t funny.  “I’m not laughing,” Lukas said, holding his ribs, “I’m smiling.  I am very satisfied that I rode you so hard you can’t walk.”

            Michael wanted to be upset but he’d enjoyed it as much as Lukas and he knew he would do it again, given the chance.  “I hope this doesn’t happen every time…” he said and Lukas laughed, he was punched a little harder that time.

            They made it to the bathroom where, instead of a bath, he had a standing shower with two glass walls and a glass door.  “I think I can stand now,” Michael said and leaned on one of the walls and pulled open the shower door, he leaned into the shower and turned on the water.  He let it run for a minute while he gently gimped over to the stand beside the sink and pulled out two white towels and placed them on the sink.  He walked back over to the shower and tested the water; he adjusted it a little until it was to his liking and then looked at Lukas.

            “Shall we bath together?” Michael asked.

            “I think so,” Lukas said stepping closer to the slower.  Michael stepped in first and Lukas followed, pulling the door shut behind him.  The shower was plenty big enough for them both, but Michael reached for Lukas, placing his hands on his hips and pulled him under the water with him.  He pulled Lukas against him and let the hot water run over them both.  Lukas took advantage of the close proximity to kiss Michael.  He ran his hands up his back and held him close, kissing him as the water ran down their faces.  Michael responded by placing his hands on either side of Lukas’s face and then ran them through his wet hair.  Lukas could feel Michael grow hard again, it was laying hot against his leg.  He resisted the urge to reach down and grab him.

            Michael broke their kiss and smiled.  “Let’s get clean,” he said and he turned Lukas around.  Michael grabbed his soap and loofa.  He poured some soap onto Lukas’s back and rubbed over it with his hands first, touching every hard muscle of his back and shoulders.  He then used the loofa to clean the sweat off him.  He ran it over his back several times, lingering, enjoying how his he felt under his touch.   Lukas was leaning his hand on the wall in front of him and let his head fall down, enjoying it.  Michael washed his shoulders and the back of his legs then moved the shower head to rinse off the soap.  As the suds slid off his wet body, Michael was mesmerized as each bubble cascaded over his muscles and skin.  After the soap was gone Michael turned the shower head again and stepped close to Lukas.  He reached around and washed Lukas’s extended arm, cleaning everywhere he could reach.   He then moved to his other, lifting it up and rubbing it gently.  He then wrapped his arms around Lukas and rested against his back.  Lukas could feel him, from his chest down to his hips, against his back and noticed that Michael had not calmed down.

            Lukas laid his hand on Michael’s forearm, holding him against himself.  Michael was kissing Lukas’s back and he couldn’t help but ‘mmm’ in pleasure.  He not only felt calm with Michael but he felt protected, like the world couldn’t come against him while he was with him.  He knew it was an illusion but he allowed it to engulf him anyways.  “Michael.” He said.

            “Hm?” Michael responded against his back.

            “I want you to be mine, as well,” he said.  He felt Michael smile and his arms held him tighter.  “I’m sorry that I’m afraid, I can’t—“

            “Shh,” Michael said, kissing him again, “you don’t have to apologize or explain.” Lukas nodded, fighting back his worry of driving Michael away.  “I have the same fears and I’m not going to allow them to swallow you as they did me.”  Michael continued to kiss his back between words.  “And you are being far more graceful that I was about it.”  Michael said and after a moment Lukas let out a laugh, the sound vibrated through his whole chest and Michael was intoxicated by it.

            “Well, my work here is done then,” Lukas said, still laughing.  Michael joined in his laughter.  Lukas finally let go of Michael, as if he was no longer afraid he would run away, and Michael continued his work of cleaning Lukas, this time he dropped the loofa and used only his hands.  He rubbed the soap all over his chest and stomach, lathering it up as he went.

He ran his fingers over Lukas’s soapy skin, but now he wasn’t trying to clean him, he was trying to entice him.  He gently ran his nails over his pecks and across his abs, and he sighed against Lukas’s back.  Lukas was already intrigued because of Michael’s hard cock and he used this opportunity to push his hips back and rub his backside against Michael.  Michael sighed in pleasure, trying to control himself.  He felt Michael’s cock nestle between his butt cheeks and he rubbed side to side.  Michael responded by sliding a hand down onto Lukas’s hip, spreading his fingers out to cover as much of it as he could, he wanted to touch Lukas all over.

            “What is it about you?” Michael asked, half growling.  How can I possibly be aroused again, we just finished having actual sex…  Lukas chuckled and pushed back even further, taking Michael off guard and causing him to take a step back.  But he recovered quickly and he stepped forward, pushing Lukas against the glass wall.  Lukas gasped when his hot skin touched the cold glass.  He was completely against it, except his cock, which, while Michel had pushed him, Michael reached down in front of him and grasped it, keeping it from hitting the glass.  He didn’t stop there; he ran his hand up and down the shaft, arousing him even more.

            “Michael,” he whispered, reaching a hand behind him and grasping Michael’s ass, pulling him even closer.  Michael responded by rocking his hips against Lukas.  As he did so, he thrust his hand harder around Lukas’s cock.  Lukas curled his free hand against the glass and moaned.  Michael leaned down and gently bit Lukas’s shoulder and he shuddered.  Lukas dug his nails into Michael’s skin, he was already to his limit.  “Michael,” he said again, “I’m going to….”

Michael bit him harder and growled, “Me too.”  Michael moved his head so his chin was laying on Lukas’s shoulder, pulling him away from the glass and could see down his front.  “I want to see it,” he said and clenched his hand tighter as he stroked Lukas.

Lukas was panting and his voice was much more sensual than his normal, already enticing voice.  “Ah~ Mi-mmm…” he tried to speak, “now!”  Michael felt Lukas tense for just a second then felt him throb in his hands and saw him ejaculate against the glass and down his hand.  Michael rode the wave of his pleasure and followed him to climax, spreading his heat against Lukas’s back and ass.  He slouched against Lukas, panting.

“I’m glad we are still in the shower,” Lukas said after a moment, holding himself up with his arm against the glass wall.  Michael started laughing and his movement and sound vibrated through Lukas and he joined in.

Michael stood up and turned the shower head back towards them and he pulled Lukas back with him, holding him in his arms, just letting the water flow over them; he kissed his skin and just absorbed him.  Lukas slid his hands up and down Michael’s arms, doing the same.  “I don’t understand what is happening here,” Michael said, “but I don’t want it to stop.”

Lukas smiled, he felt so at ease in that moment that it was hard to imagine that anything could go wrong, even if he knew by experience that things most often do go wrong.  He didn’t dwell on it, just allowed himself, if even for just a second, to enjoy the feeling that was filling his soul.

Michael felt his heart flutter and he found himself in the same place as Lukas, the holes he had failed to remove were slowly starting to fill and the euphoria was better than any drug.  Michael closed his eyes as he laid his head on Lukas’s back.  He was in such a comfortable place that he let his mind slip.

His hands were large and callused as they roughly flipped him over.  He lay with his face buried in the mattress that smelled of beer and sweat.  He tried to remove himself from this place, make his mind go anywhere but there, but the man’s hands hurt so much.  The man held his hands above his head so rough that he knew he would have bruises.  He used his free hand to run his rough skin down his back and over his naked butt.  He tried his best not to shiver but he couldn’t stop, he hated that man and his hands.  He hated being touched by him and used like a toy.  And he hated most that he could do nothing about it and no one else wanted to do anything.  He was just a child, how could his tiny, immature body possibly insight desire from a grown man?  The man pulled his legs apart with is hard hands and ran his fingers up his thigh and between his butt cheeks.  He gasped and clamped down his eyes, as if that would block out the touch.

“No!”  Michael yanked his head up away from Lukas.  He was immediately met with darkening vision, a burning chest.  He stepped back from Lukas, slamming his fist against his chest, trying to help him breathe.  “God damn it!” he panted.  He fell to his knees, “no, please no…” he felt tears pouring out of his eyes as he tried to hold on to consciousness.

Lukas turned around in time to see him fall to his knees and he knelt down in front of him.  “Michael,” he reached out to him but was swatted away.  Michael wasn’t there, he was somewhere else, his eyes were glazed over.  He reached out again and grabbed his shoulders, shaking him.  Michael didn’t respond, he just kept trembling and saying, “no.”  Lukas let go of his shoulders and reached for his face; he grabbed it and lifted it up until he could see his eyes and he leaned down and kissed him.  He kissed him gently on the lips then all over his face, his forehead and his chin.  He could tell that he was having trouble breathing, he was taking quick shallow breaths.  So, Lukas kissed him again, for only a few seconds then let go for a few seconds then kissed him again.  He was trying to regulate Michael’s breathing by forcing him to stop when he kissed him.  Slowly Michael started taking deeper breaths.  Lukas reached up and turned the water off and slipped out of the shower, grabbing one of the towels from the sink.  He wrapped Michael in is fluffy warmth.  And helped him to his feet, he walked him to the toilet and sat him down on it.  He was still trembling, but had calmed a bit.

Lukas wrapped the other towel around his waist and knelt down in front of Michael.  He rubbed the outside of Michael’s thighs, trying to calm him and bring him back to where Lukas was.  “Michael,” he said quietly.

“I won’t let you…” Michael mumbled.

Lukas knew he wasn’t talking to him but he answered anyways, “I won’t do anything that you don’t want me to.”

“Don’t lie.  They all say I’ll want it… don’t lie…”

Michael was stuck and Lukas knew that if he didn’t break out soon he was going to collapse.  He pushed himself between Michael’s knees and forced his arms around him.  “I’ll give myself to you, Michael, I won’t move, you are in completely control.” Lukas said, laying his head sideways against his arm, exposing his neck as if he were a submissive wolf.

Michael reacted immediately, moving his hands up and around Lukas’s neck, grasping it and squeezing.  As he squeezed he leaned against Lukas’s tilted head, laying his lips on his ear and saying, “You’ll never have me again.  You don’t own me.  You don’t get to do as you please,” he spoke as if he was a completely different person.  His tone and grip frightened Lukas, but he was not weak, not in this situation.  Lukas slowly lifted his hand and laid it on Michael’s clenched forearm.

“Michael,” he whispered and ran his hand up and down his arm as gently as he could.  He didn’t know what Michael was imagining but it was clean that it was something he didn’t want and Lukas needed to show him that he meant no harm.  “Michael,” he said again, this time reaching up and wiping the tears from his cheeks and pulling the hair from his face.  He could see that his eyes were still glazed and half closed.  As Lukas continued to wipe the tears, his tense face eased and his grip loosened.

Finally, Michael’s head fell and he let go of Lukas all together, his arms slumping down beside him.  Lukas had to catch him before he fell to the floor.  He hadn’t lost consciousness but he wasn’t focused and he was staring at the floor.  Lukas slid under his arm and stood up, bringing Michael to his feet.  He led him across the hall to the bedroom.  He sat Michael down on the edge of the bed and pulled the towel from him.  He laid it over his head, drying his hair then tossing it to the ground.  Michael finally stirred.  He looked up at Lukas as he stood in front of him.

He reached out a shaky hand and touched Lukas’s abs.  “Lukas?” he whispered.

Lukas knelt down in front of him again, “Yes, it’s me.  I’m here,” he said, placing his hands on Michael’s knees.

“I’m so sorry,” Michael said, looking directly into Lukas’s eyes.

“You have no reason to be sorry, but what happened?  That wasn’t like the other episodes you’ve had.”  Lukas’s voice was full of concern and his eye brows were pinched in worry.

“I… had a flash back…” Michael said quietly, looking down again.

Lukas’s concern doubled, “Did I cause it?”

“Not directly,” Michael said.

Before he could elaborate, Lukas said, “Not directly?  What does that mean?”  His panic was starting to rise at the thought of him being the cause of Michael’s current and future panic attacks.

“It only happens when I sleep or let my guard down.  If I don’t keep a tight rein on my mind then it tends to give a harsh reminder of why I’m broken…”  He looked up at Lukas and saw his worried face, staring at his, trying to find answers in it.  “Lukas, this is the first time I have been able to relax and let go enough to loose those reins.”  He put his hand on Lukas’s cheek, “I lost myself completely in you and forgot for a second that I was damaged.  I felt whole.  Lukas you caused that, you made me whole.”

Lukas placed his hand on top of Michael’s and closed his eyes.  “But at what cost?”  He took a breath.  “Isn’t it too much?  If I can only make you feel good for a moment but that causes you to fall further backwards… No, I won’t do that to you.”

Michael put his other hand on his other cheek and lifted his head.  Lukas opened his eyes with the motions and looked at Michael.  He was smiling with a tear in his eye, “There is not a cost that would ever be too much or one that I wouldn’t pay to feel like that again.  To hell with the flashbacks!  I’ll gladly suffer a little to have your incredible touch on my skin and your caress on my soul.” He sighed as if letting go of a huge burden.  “It was incredible,” his smile grew, lighting up his entire face and Lukas could see the fire in his eyes and he was mesmerized.

“I couldn’t live with myself if I caused that again.” Lukas was being stubborn.  “I was so scared when I couldn’t snap you out of it.”

Michael quickly leaned forward and kissed him, still smiling.  “I have them with or without you and it is much better when you are here.  The comfort is all I have ever wanted.  And as much as I adore you for wanting to snap me out of it, that’s not your job.  They just have to run their course.  I’ve never snapped out of one, even with professional help.” He kissed Lukas again, laughing against his lips a happy laugh, and wrapping his arms around Lukas, pushing him to the floor.  Lukas braced for the fall, and then wrapped his arms around Michael, even though he was confused.

When Michael let him go and lifted himself up with his arms, looking down at Lukas, Lukas said, “I’m at a loss.”

“Why? Where did I lose you?” Michael asked, still chillingly chipper.

“How…hm…” Lukas hesitated.  “How are you so happy after such a bad panic attack?  I mean you nearly choked me into unconsciousness.”

“Oh, I’m really sorry about that,” Michael said sheepishly, “that’s a first for me, but then again, normally no one is trying to submit to me in the middle of a flashback.” He said pointedly.  “I am sorry, really, but this is a breakthrough!  Lukas, when I meant that this has never happened, I meant never.  This is incredibly huge and I’m super excited!”  Michael stood up and stared dancing buck naked and even Lukas, in his disbelief, couldn’t help but laugh.  Michael reached out a hand to Lukas and he took it and was pulled to his feet where Michael swayed against him.  “Dance! It’s a dance moment!”  He grasped Lukas’s hands and started dancing like a fool again.  Lukas, reluctantly, joined and soon was enjoying their naked-and-no-music dance.

When they finally got dressed, they made their way to the living room.  “I’m starving!” Michael said and veered off to the kitchen.  “Do you like teriyaki chicken and rice?  I know it’s simple but it’s my favorite!”  Lukas smiled and sat down on one of the stools on the side of the counter.

“I’ve been known to enjoy a good teriyaki sauce now and again.” He replied.

“Great!”  Michael went around his small kitchen, gathering up his ingredients and starting the rice cooker.  He stood over the stove, throwing things into the pan and looking like a professional.  He hummed while he cooked and he wasn’t hiding his delight.  Lukas loved watching him and felt his heart quiver again and tried to not worry for just a few moments as he watched Michael in complete bliss.

Michael plated out two portions of chicken and rice and handed one to Lukas.  Then he placed a glass full of green tea down next to the plate.  “This smells fantastic,” Lukas said as he scooped up some food and lifted it to his mouth.  Michael stood on the other side of the counter and brought his own fork up to his mouth.  They ate in silence, which Michael took as a compliment and when they were done Lukas let out a sigh of relief.

“I didn’t realize I was hungry until I started eating, but that was exactly what I needed.” Lukas said as Michael collected their plates and placed them in the sink.

“Right?!” Michael was clearly excited that Lukas liked his cooking, “It always hits the spot perfectly!”  He smiled.

“You’ll definitely make someone a very good wife someday,” Lukas said, laughing.

“Well, that man better appreciate all I do, I’m no settler!”  Michael said in a high pitch voice.

“Oh no you didn’t!”  Lukas almost spit out the drink he was trying to take, laughing.  Michael laughed with him.

Michael collected his glass and came around the counter and motioned to the living room couch, blushing, “Shall we adjourn to the living room?”

Lukas saw his blush and said, “Only if you’re ready for round three?” he winked.  Michael stared at him and he couldn’t keep a straight face.  “I’m just kidding, as much as I enjoyed that,” he looked at the couch, “I just don’t have another in me.”  He saw the relief on Michael’s face and lead the way to the couch.  They sat facing each other and just talked.

“I’m so stuck right now,” Michael said as they talked about their work.  “I’ve never been stuck.  Nothing is inspiring me right now, augh,” he was frustrated.

“Maybe you need a break?” Lukas said.  Michael looked at him confused.  “I mean from that type of work.  You write dark fantasy, right?” Michael nodded, “Well, maybe you should break out of that genre and try something else.  Even if it doesn’t work it’ll get you to rethink how you write and how your imagination flows.  If anything it’ll kick start the juices.”

“I never thought of that, I’ve always just wrote what comes to me, so genre was never something I chose.”  Talking about work lead to their early years and what caused them to start writing in the first place.  They found that they were similar in that area, they both wrote to relive some of the strain of their pain.  Neither was well versed in the famous authors or playwrights, which surprised Michael as he saw Lukas as a very well learned man and expected to hear a few quotes by people he had never heard of.  Lukas went on about how he had a great family and they were always supportive of his writing dreams even before he dropped the bomb of joining the military on them.

“Why did you join?” Michael asked.

“I wish I could say that I wanted to follow my brother or that it was because I love my country and I wanted to serve it, but really it was because I was lost.” Lukas said.  “I had a great childhood but I always felt out of place and didn’t know why.  I felt like just a shell.  So I joined and it gave me a purpose and a bigger cause than myself.  I am so glad I did, it really did fulfil me and I felt connected to each member of my battalion.”

Michael was very interested in hearing stories about Lukas’s family and how his older brother always tried to make him better, always looked out for him, and always protected him.  His younger sister was the baby and they both threatened anyone that came near her trying to date her.  So, she didn’t even try to date until they were both out of the house.  They still give the “mess with my sister and you mess with us” speech when they meet her new boyfriends.  When it came to Michael, Lukas noticed that he skirted the questions about his younger life and family.  Lukas let it go because he didn’t want to ruin Michael’s euphoria.  He knew that, when he was ready, Michael would tell him what had happened and where his family was.

They talked a bit more about their ever day lives, their friends, which as it turns out Lukas has a few more than Michael but they were less available to him than Yuuki and Ellie were to Michael.  They both expressed interest in meeting each other’s friends so they went into planning a big dinner with all of them somewhere low-key and able to handle a slightly rowdy crowd.

“I had you all wrong,” Michael said.

“What do you mean?”

“I thought you were so uptight.  I thought you were all high class and snobby.  You didn’t have time for anyone except yourself.”  Lukas gasped and put his hand over his heart as if it hurt.  “But here you are telling me you won’t quote Shakespeare to impress me and you have rowdy friends and are the kind of guy that would beat up a teenager for looking at his little sister wrong.”  He shook his head dramatically.  “You, sir, have surprised me again.” He said tipping his glass towards Lukas and smiling.

“Well, as long as it is a good surprise.” Lukas said chinking his glass against Michael’s.

Saxophone music interrupted them, coming from somewhere on the floor.  “What is… Wait.. tell me that’s Wham!” Michael pleaded.

Lukas got up from the couch and started looking around.  “Ha ha, Yes it is.  It’s kind of a goofy story, but my mother loves the new Deadpool movie and also loves Wham! So… that’s now her ringtone… Ah!” he reached under the coffee table and retrieved his singing phone.

“I love your mother already.” Michael said.

Lukas smile and said, “Excuse me, do you mind if I take this?  She’ll just keep calling if I don’t answer.”  Michael nodded and Lukas answered, “hello?” and went back into the bathroom.

After just a few minutes he re-emerged and flopped down on the couch.  “Is everything alright?” Michael asked.

“Yeah, she’s worried about Edward.  She wants me to come home before he leaves and spend some time with him and the family.  I understand she’s worried, we all are, but she’s acting like he’s already not coming home.”  He stopped and took a shaky breath.  “I know what she’s feeling, I feel the same way.  I just don’t like that she’s putting out there into the universe that she believes he won’t come home.”  Michael reached over and grabbed his hand, holding it tightly.

“He’s coming back.” He said and Lukas nodded, he was clearly worried.  “I know you don’t like the message, but you should go anyways.  Think of it as a going away party”

“Yeah,” he said, deep in thought.  “I think I will go. But I’ll be gone for almost two weeks,” he looked over at Michael.

“You’re worried about me?” Michael asked, “That’s nice, but family should always come first,” he said it with a smile but that smile hid pain.  “I’ll be fine if you promise to come back and not abandon me.”

Lukas squeezed Michael’s hand, “I promise to come back.”

“Good, then it’s settled.”  Michael said.

“Yeah… I guess I’ll check out car rentals when I get home and leave as soon as I can.”  Lukas slid over and laid his head on Michael’s shoulder.

“Hey,” Michael said, “stay the night.  I don’t think either of us should be alone tonight.”  Lukas nodded and shifted a little so he could be closer to Michael.  Michael wrapped his arm around him and pulled him close.  “I can’t wait to snuggle,” he said, ruining the dark, tense moment and Lukas laughed.

“Me either.”

Chapter Six: Breaking His Disire

Chapter Six: Breaking His Desire

            “Hello?”

            “Michael?”

            “Yes?” he said, half asleep.

            “It’s Tori.  You know, your editor/publisher?”

            “Oh Yeah yeah yeah.  What’s up?”  he said, before it dawned on him.  “OH!  Did you read it?  What did you think?  How much do I need to change?”  He was tripping over himself with questions.

            “Yes, I did read it and I really like it.  I just have a few suggestions for you, which we can go over when you come in.  I don’t think this will take much work before sending it to print.”

            “That’s awesome!  Thank you so much!”  Michael was doing a victory dance on his bed.

            “I called to set up a meeting and also to ask you about any ideas you had for your next series.”  At that Michael stopped dancing.

            “Yeah, about that…” he hesitated.  “I’ve hit some sort of road block with that.  Nothing I have come up with has really grabbed me.”

            “Wow, that’s a first,” Tori said with sympathy.  “Well maybe we can go over some of those ideas and maybe tweek them or something.”

            “Yeah, okay.  I’ll bring in what I have, but I’m not willing to start something that I won’t be fully into and it’s something my readers deserve.”

            “I understand.”  Tori said.  “One step at a time.  I’ve had other writers hit a wall when starting a new series, especially when they put their whole soul into the previous one.”

            “Yeah.”

            “Anyway, when are you free?  I have an opening for tomorrow, Tuesday, at… hm…” Michael could hear Tori ruffling through is day planner.  “Let’s say 10:30?”

            “Sounds perfect to me.”  Michael went to his dry-erase board calendar and scribbled in the time and Tori’s name.

            “Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow!”

            “Okay, see you then,”

            “Bye.”

            “Bye,” Michael said before hanging up.  “Woo! Yeah! He liked it, he liked it,” he was doing a jig again when his phone rang and he almost dropped it in his surprise.

            “Hello?”

            “Hey Bro!  What are you up to?”  It was Yuuki.

            “Hey!  I was thinking I needed to get out of the house.  Are you busy?”

            “I am not, actually, what did you have in mind?” Yuuki asked.

            “Well, since you called, I was thinking maybe some laser tag then grub?” Michael threw out.

            “Wow!  You must really be itching, we haven’t done laser tag in forever.”

            “Is that a no, cause you’re a wuss??” Michael egged him on.

            “Oh hell no!  You’re on!  Where are we going and when should I be there?”

            “Oh yeah!  It’s that place down by the book store and theater, I can’t remember the name, but you know.  And meet in 20?”

            “Oh it’s on!  I’ll be there.” Yuuki always gets fired up during a competition.

            “Haha, alright, see you then.”  Michael hung up and ran to his room to change.  If he knew Yuuki, and he did, he was going to make getting there a race just because he was in competition mode.  He changed as fast as he could and didn’t even bother tying his shoes before running out the door.

            Michael jogged up to the entrance only to find Yuuki leaning against the wall.  He was trying to act as if he has been there for a while but he was clearly out of breath.  “What took you so long?” he asked.

            “Oh don’t even, you haven’t been here long.”  Michael said, catching his own breath.

            “Winning is winning, even if it’s by a second,” Yuuki said with a smile.  Michael just stuck his tongue out at him in response.  “Shall we?”  Yuuki motioned towards the door.  They both went in and paid for their time, receiving a mock gun and a vest.  It was still pretty early on a Monday so they had the place to themselves.  They played for over an hour with Yuuki being the over-all victor.

            “I’m never going to live this down,” Michael said, wiping sweat from his face.

            “Never,” Yuuki said, gloating.  He safety-pinned his victory paper to his chest and walked out of the building.

            “I’m sorry you had to see that, some boys just never grow up.”  Michael said to the clerk who was much younger than himself.

            “We see that more than you might think,” the clerk said in return.  “Have a good day!”

            Michael followed Yuuki out the door.  “That was fun, I needed that.  Thanks Yuuki,” Michael said and patted him on the back.

            “Well, considering I haven’t heard from you since we went to the office, I was worried you were clamming up in your house.”  Yuuki said.  “I wasn’t surprised when you said you wanted to do something like laser tag, ha ha.  I figured you were blocked still.”

            “Yeah, I am and I was, but not for that reason.”  Michael spoke without looking directly at Yuuki.

            They started walking to the coffee place they always go to after visiting the book store.  “What do you mean?  Is there something else going on?  Is it Ellie? Huh huh?  It is isn’t it?”

            “You always get right to the point, don’t you?” Michael said with a laugh.

            “Well, I know you pretty well, and you guys looked pretty close the last time I saw you together.  Eh eh??”

            “You’re enjoying this far too much.”  Yuuki gave a ‘yes! Victory!’ motion before Michael could speak again.  “Its… not that.”

            Yuuki stopped mid-victory, “What do you mean?  Is it not working?”

            “Oh no, Ellie is fine.  She’s already a great friend.”

            “Friend?!”  Yuuki stopped and stared at him.  “I’m sorry, we ARE talking about the same person right.  Elane, smoking hot, long brown and purple hair, legs that go to heaven?”

            “Wow, sounds like you might be a little interested.” Michael joked.

            “I’m serious here.  She’s gorgeous and she is obviously brilliant.  What’s the matter with her?”  Yuuki sounded very concerned.

            “I know, and I tried, but something else has come up.”

            “What could possibly be more interesting than Ellie?”  Yuuki was starting to get frantic.

            “You’ll make fun of me if I tell you.”  Michael was avoiding looking at him again and started walking with a more brisk pace.

            “Dude!  I’m your best friend, I would never make fun of you for something that’s important.  And clearly this is of utmost importance.”  Yuuki was trying to keep up with Michael.  Michael hesitated to answer and Yuuki slapped him on the back of the head.  “Come on!  Tell me!”

            “Auuuuugh…. Fine.”  Michael conceded.  “But you promise to hear me out before making judgement?”
            Yuuki crossed his heart with his finger, “I promise.”

            Michael took a deep breath and let it out.  “There is someone else…”

            “That’s it?”  Yuuki stared at him in disbelief.

            “It’s….. not what you expect.”

            “Just tell me already, then!”

            Michael took another deep breath and closed his eyes, avoiding Yuuki altogether.  “It’s not a woman.”  Yuuki stopped walking and took it in.  After a long moment of silence, Michael peeked over at him.  His face was blank, which would scare Michael normally, but he was just relieved that he wasn’t losing his mind over it.  “Uh… Yuuki?”

            After another moment he finally looked at Michael and spoke.  “I need more information,” he said and began walking to the coffee shop with more vigor.  Michael followed behind him.  They ordered and sat down before they spoke again.  After a few sips Yuuki finally said, “Not a woman, huh?”

            “Yeah,” Michael answered.

            “So… that means that you were distracted by… a man?”

            “Well, that is the other gender, so it stands to reason that ‘not a woman’ would mean a man.”  Michael said, trying to lighten the subject.

            “Smart ass comments not required.” Yuuki said, he was in detective mode.  “A man…”

            “This is why I was trying to avoid telling you…” Michael said, thinking he had made a huge mistake.

            “No no no, I’m glad you did tell me.  It’s just hard to imagine you with a guy, you have always been a ladies’ man.  I mean, you had very low success with relationships but you never missed an opportunity to mac on one and, you know, seal the deal.” He said the last with an eyebrow wiggle.

            “Believe me, it took me by surprise as well.  And I don’t think this would happen with any other guy, even now the thought makes me cringe.”

            “So what makes this guy special?  And do I know him?  How did you meet him?”  Yuuki was starting to get used to the idea and his nosey-friend mode was kicking in.

            Michael laughed, both at his excitement and at his own relief.  “Well, you know who he is, but allow me to tell you who it is after, save some of the excitement.” Yuuki nodded.  “I saw him before this all started happening but when I first interacted with him was, ironically, at the club where and when we met the girls.”  Yuuki made a ‘what?!’ face.  “Yeah, I know.  It was kind of a weird first interaction, to be honest.  He was, um, having a bad time and I stumbled upon him and it got interesting.”

            “Interesting?”  Yuuki was giving him his full attention.

            “Yeah, he, well, I don’t want to air anyone’s dirty laundry, but this particular man was a marine and he suffers from PTSD.  I actually did something to trigger him and he went into a panic attack.  I couldn’t leave him, I tried, but couldn’t.  And then, after it passed, he said he was curious and he…”  Michael started blushing and he looked away.

            “He what?!” Yuuki pressed.

            “He… um… he kissed me.” Michael still wasn’t looking at Yuuki but he heard him hit his hands on the table and knew the expression on his face.

            “Whaaaaaaat???  He just kissed you?”

            Michael nodded, “he said he was curious.  I guess I struck a chord with him.”

            “Woaah, Oh my god, excuse me for sounding like a girl but oh my god!”  Yuuki tapped on the table a few more times in excitement.

            “You really do seem like a girl,” Michael laughed.

            “So what happened next?”

            “He left.”

            “What? He left? Talk about a mood killer,” Yuuki said with disappointment and he sat back in his seat.

            Michael laughed, “Were you expecting full on boning right there in the club?”

            “I mean… if the shoe fits.”

            Michael blushed but said, “Yuuki!  You pervert!”

            “Oh, I know that look, something did happen!  Is that why I haven’t heard from you in almost a week?”

            “Well, I had a date with him on Thursday and… I’ll spare you the details, but it was pretty damn close to the best mess-around session I have ever had.”  Michael was completely red now.

            Yuuki laughed, “I’ve never seen you like this before.  But I have to ask, before getting into the more psychological questions: what was it like? I mean, does it feel different than a girl?”

            “What do you mean?” Michael asked, partially trying to avoid the question.

            “I mean, two guys having sex, one has to put it, you know, in there,” Yuuki pointed towards his own butt.  “How did it feel?”

            “Wow… you went there, okay…”  Michael said exasperated.  “Well… we didn’t actually do that.”  Michael looked down into his coffee.  “We, um, decided to wait because neither of us are gay, so we don’t know who is who.”

            “Who is who?” Yuuki asked, confused.  “OH!” then it dawned on him, “you mean whose going to be the one catching?”

            “Yes, to put it crudely.”  Michael snapped.

            “Sorry, bro, I didn’t mean to be offensive, but,” he motioned to himself, “straight guy here.  I don’t know if there are preferred terms for that kind of thing.  But, have you thought about it?  How do you feel about being either, especially the ‘catcher’?”

            “I’m scared.” Michael spoke quietly, “I’m excited, too.  I can’t wait to see him and touch him, and I know that sounds weird because you’re my guy friend, but I can’t.  And if that means I have to learn to ‘catch,’” he made air quotes, “then I will.  A lot of people do it and they seem to enjoy it…”

            “OH MY GOD!” Yuuki exclaimed and Michael jumped.  “That’s what you’ve been doing all weekend!”  Yuuki pointed at Michael and had an accusing face, “You’ve been watching gay porn!”

            “Be quiet!” Michael said quickly.  Yuuki was laughing so hard he was turning red.  “Yuuki!  I was not!”

            “Oh yes you were!” Yuuki exclaimed quietly, “You so were.”

            “I did some research, yes, but don’t blow it out of proportion.” Michael said over his cup.

            “Research…” Yuuki was laughing again.  He took a deep breath and said, “suuuuuuure.”

            “You’re so immature.”  Michael said, putting his cup down and crossing his arms.

            “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Yuuki said, still laughing.

            “Don’t be an ass.” Michael said.

            Yuuki let out a few more chuckles before he quieted down, “I’m sorry, for real.  I wasn’t making fun, just joking around.  And in all seriousness, though, how else are you supposed to learn?”

            “I could read yaoi,” Michael suggested.

            Yuuki just stared at him for a long time then said, “I have so many questions.  First, how do you even know the word yaoi?  Second, how do you know what yaoi is?  Thirdly, yaoi, really?  I thought you were turning gay, not into a girl.”

            “Woah, ouch!  First of all, I’m not turning gay, I just happen to have an attraction for another man.  Second, how do you know about yaoi?”  Michael pointed at Yuuki.  “I know about it because Ellie is a fan.  It turns out that she’s kind of a nerd, and not just in the super science genius kind of way, but also in the I-love-anime-and-manga kind of way.  So she recommended that I check some out, considering the ones she recommended were about how two straight men fall in love with each other and find themselves in a similar situation as myself and my new friend.”

            “I did not expect that,” Yuuki was finally starting to calm down.  “But you never know with anyone,” he said jokingly, “He might be hiding a secret man under his bed.”  He looked pointedly at Michael.

            “I’m pretty sure he has his own apartment and doesn’t need to hide under my bed.” Michael said, playing along.

            “No, but I know you and I’m sure you’d love to cage him up somehow, maybe with rope?” Yuuki winked at him.

            “I really hope you don’t know me well enough to know my sexual fantasies,” Michael said with a sound of fake disgust.

            “I am very happy to say that I don’t.  But I know your personality and if I had to guess…”

            “Let’s just not go there, okay?” Michael said.

            “Alright alright.”  Yuuki said.  “But now you have to tell me who the mystery person is.”

            “I was hoping you’d forget.”  Michael said with a sigh.

            “You knew that was very unlikely.”  Yuuki responded.  “Come on~” he nudged.

            “Okay, geeze,” Michael picked up his cup and as he touched his lips with it he mumbled, “Its Lukas.”

            Yuuki didn’t say anything for a moment then, “What?!” he said slamming his hands on the table again.

            “Calm down, Yuuki,” Michael urged him.

            “No, I won’t.  Lukas?  Michael really?”  Michael couldn’t tell if he was in disbelief or if he was mad.  “That pompous ass hat?  He is nothing but ignorant to anyone he feels is below him, and that is pretty much everyone.  He acts so smug, gah!  How could a man like that insight such a response from you and it not be a negative one?”

            “You don’t know him,” Michael said.

            “It’s pretty obvious that you don’t either.”  Yuuki said.  “You’ve spent one night with him and you have a whole new outlook on him.  Like he isn’t the same Lukas that practically thinks he’s a god above all else.  Michael…” he sighed, “I don’t want to be that kind of person, I want to be supportive, but I don’t know if I can.  He’s just so…”

            There was an awkward silence between them for a few minutes.  Michael finally said, “I didn’t ask for this to happen.  That is just how my life goes, I either go with the flow or I get left behind.  I know you don’t think he’s a good person, and hell, you’re right, I don’t know him very well.  But, Yuuki, I’ve seen him.  I witnessed him at his worse.  Anyone fighting a daily battle like that tends to put up walls and sometime those walls look like arrogance and snubbiness to others, but really they are only meant to do one job, and that is to keep people out so that person doesn’t get hurt.  I… do the same.”

            Yuuki looked at him, really looked.  “Michael you don’t do that, you try to let people in, right?”

            “Yuuki, you’re the only one I’ve ever let in.  I can’t let anyone else in, it’s too hard.”  Michael was feeling himself start to clench his muscles.  He knew this path of conversation would lead nowhere but to his own pain and panic.  “He knows what that’s like.  He knows that on the inside of the wall its very lonely.  Yuuki, please don’t write him off yet.  I can’t say that he doesn’t intend to be mean, but I can say he is kind and generous.  And, Yuuki,” Michael said, trying to drive the point him, “he took care of me.”  Yuuki took a deep breath but didn’t say anything for a while.  “Please, let me give him a chance.  If I don’t have you at my back then I have nothing.”

            Yuuki let out a long sigh then said, “Michael, I know how hard it’s been for you.  Even with me you’re not open.  So,” he took another breath, “if Lukas is able to bring you out and make you happy, actually happy, not content, then I am willing to give him a little leeway.”  He looked away and crossed his arms over his chest as if it was a real challenge to say what he did.

            Michael looked at him with stars in his eyes.  “Yuuuuuuuki! Thank you!”  Michael stood up and rushed to his side of the table, giving him a hug with is long arms.

            “It’s not like you would have listened to me anyways…” Yuuki mumbled into Michael’s arm and Michael laughed.  Michael finally released Yuuki and sat back down.  “When do you see him next?” he asked after taking a drink of his coffee.

            “I’m not sure yet.  To be honest, I’ve been avoiding him.  I don’t want to come on too strong.”

            “Don’t wait too long, he’ll think you aren’t interested,” Yuuki said.

            Michael laughed, “If he thinks I’m not interested after the other night, then…”
            “Alright, we get it, you got lucky with a very handsome man,” Yuuki said.

            “So, speaking of which, how’s things with Sarah?”

            “Oh, it’s my turn to play twenty questions, is it?” Yuuki asked with a smile.  “They are pretty good, so far she seems to be supportive of my work and doesn’t make fun of my taste in movies and such.”

            “That’s great!”  Michael said.  The two gibbered on for a little while longer about Sarah and even a little about Ellie.  Then they finally finished up and went back outside, preparing to head home.  “See you later!  Oh! I forgot to ask, are you going into the office tomorrow?”

            “I hadn’t planned on it, I haven’t finished up the color and final touches for the comic just yet.”

            “Ah okay.”

            “Are you?  Did Tori call you?”

            “Yes sir!  He said there are only a few things that need worked on but I could have it to the printer very shortly.”  Michael was excited all over again.

            “That’s awesome!  I’m not surprised but it always feel good when they call and tell you your draft has been accepted.”

            “Yeah, no kidding, I hate playing the waiting game.  But, anyways, I’ll see ya when I see ya!”  Michael waved and Yuuki nodded and they went their separate ways.

Michael pulled out his phone and typed a little message to his followers:

                       

                        The draft of the final book of the Dark Heart series has been accepted!

                        I know I’m excited I hope you all are too!

                        I’m having a great day because of that and some other news I got

                        So I really hope you all are having a wonderful day too! <3

            Michael was smiling when he slid his phone back into his pocket.  He started walking before looking up, but when he did he almost ran right into “Lukas!”

            “Oh! Michael,” Lukas said, clearly distracted.

            “Hey, I’m sorry I’ve been kind of a ghost…” Michael noticed that Lukas wasn’t really paying attention.  He had a worried look on his face.  “What’s the matter?  You don’t look well.”

            “Hm?  Oh… it’s nothing.” Lukas was clamming up, as he usually did.

            Michael was not going to allow Lukas to shut him out.  He stepped in and wrapped his hand around his head, pulling his attention to him as he leaned in and kissed him.  When he pulled away Lukas had a surprised look on his face and was giving him his full attention.  “That’s better.  You will not block me—“

            “Michael… what if we were seen?”

            “I’m pretty sure a man kissing another man is not really a big deal anymore.”  Michael said, missing the point.

            “I mean, if Yuuki saw…”

            “Oh, I told him,” Michael said with a prideful smile on his face.

            “You did?” he said, sounding surprised.

            “Yep, but don’t change the subject.  What’s going on?”  Michael was sincerely worried.

            “It’s no-“  Michael put a finger over his lips and made a uh-uh sound.  Lukas gave him a glare.  “You don’t have to worry.  I don’t want to put my burdens on you.”

            Michael sighed.  “In my world, once I’ve seen your dick and you’ve seen mine, then you’re allowed to lay some on me, cause I don’t play with just anyone’s dick.”  He said with a wink.

            Lukas looked taken aback and for a moment he was silent.  For some reason, looking at him like that made Michael want to drag him to the nearest alley and—

            “It’s my brother,” Lukas said, pulling Michael out of his dirty thoughts.  “I was so relieved when he left active duty from the army and went into the guard.  But his former unit is in need of his superior technical skills and want him to go back overseas.”  As he talked, Lukas’s face became more drawn with worry.  “I know he’ll be in a bunker most of the time, but he still has to travel and I know that the barracks aren’t always the safest place and with terrorists, if they want it done, they’ll find a way…”

            Michael didn’t know what to say or do, so he just wrapped his arms around Lukas and said, “I’m so sorry.”  He felt Lukas’s arms come around him and he gripped Michael as hard as he could.  He laid his head on Michael’s shoulder and Michael could feel him shaking.

            “When I think of him there again, I just replay over and over what happened when I was there and I can’t help but see him hurt or dead.”  Lukas was whispering but Michael could hear his fear.  He clenched him harder, trying to let him know he was there for him.  “I don’t want to lose him, Michael, I can’t.  He’s my best friend, he’s makes me strong, without him I’ll be nothing, I’ll be weak.”  Michael heard the tears in his voice.

            “I can’t imagine how you feel,” Michael said, holding on to him.  “But I know this: if he can make you who you are and he pushes you to be better, and if he is anything like you then he is strong and brilliant.  He’ll know to keep his head down and eyes up.  And with you and your family here waiting, he won’t do anything risky, because he doesn’t want to lose this life yet.”  Michael prayed that he said the right thing and was worried he had made it worse when Lukas didn’t say or even move for a very long time.  He was holding his breath and kissing the side of Lukas’s head when he finally felt him nod.

            “Will you stay with me?” Lukas whispered.  Michael recognized that voice, Lukas was very near another attack.

            “Of course.” He said.  They remained on the sidewalk for a moment more before Lukas pulled away.  “And I want to be there when he leaves.”  Lukas looked at him, with tears in his eyes and nodded again. Michael stood beside him ready to go wherever he wanted but Lukas didn’t seem to know where that was.  Michael reached over and gently grasped his hand and started walking towards his own place.  Michael walked slow, to allow Lukas time to pull away or decide he wanted to go somewhere else, but he didn’t, he just followed Michael.

            Michael unlocked his door and let Lukas in.  He was looking down, as he had been the whole time and Michael was still worried.  He took Lukas’s coat and hung it up with his own on the hooks on the wall by the door.  He slid his own shoes off and quickly walked around his small living room, turning on the few lamps he had.  His living room was about half the size of Lukas’s, with the kitchen attached to one end and a large bay window taking up the opposite wall.  The hallway to his room and study was right in the middle of the two rooms, across from the front door.

            Lukas was finally looking around by the time Michael had turned on all the lights.  “Welcome to my home.” He said with a smile.  “It’s a bit smaller than yours but I don’t need a lot of space.”  Michael’s living room was undecorated, besides the couch and love seat, the only other furnishings were the two end tables, a small coffee table and his entertainment stand, which held his television.

            “If you want you can sit on the couch.” Michael saw that Lukas was still standing and looked very uncomfortable.  Michael came back to him and hugged him again.  “I know you’re afraid,” he said gently.  “Let me help you, if I can.”  Lukas brought his hand up and ran his fingers over Michael’s cheek.

            “You are helping by just being here,” he said.  Michael leaned against his cool fingers and then turned and kissed his palm.  Lukas closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the feeling.  “I’m sorry…” he said as he opened his eyes.  Michael looked at him, confused, then Lukas grabbed both sides of his face and brought Michael’s mouth to his.  His kiss was hard and pained, but also needing.  He pryed open Michael’s mouth with his tongue and sucked Micheal’s into his mouth.  He sucked on it and caressed it with his own before he bit it, just enough to shock Michael.  He pulled away and they were both breathless.

            Michael wanted to ask him if he really wanted to do this but he could tell by his face and his kiss that he didn’t just want it, he needed it.  He needed to express his fear in a way that Michael could understand.  So Michael said instead, “If I’m going to be what you need tonight, then I’ll need something to makes sure that I will be there with everything I have.”  Lukas dropped his hand and Michael made his way to his fridge.  He pulled out a bottle of rum and drank straight from it.  He downed about a third of the bottle before he stopped to take a breath.  He sat the bottle and lid down on the counter.  As he walked around the counter, already feeling the warmth of the alcohol, he pulled his own shirt off of himself and let it drop to the floor.  Then he reached for Lukas and was stopped.  Lukas stared at him as he too removed his shirt and dropped it to the floor, never losing eye contact with him.

            He kept staring for a few seconds after his shirt had made it to the floor, almost piercing Michael with his brown eyes.  Michael wanted to look away but he was completely ensnared by him.  Then, as if he were shocked, Lukas moved.  He put his hands on Michael’s chest and pushed him roughly towards the wall.  Michael’s back hit with a thump, but Lukas didn’t stop, he slid his hands around Michael’s hips and pressed his bare chest against his.  He once again took Michael’s mouth, his need was great and Michael wanted to give everything he had, so he pushed back against Lukas’s pressing lips and tongue.  Lukas moaned but didn’t stop.  As he conquered Michael’s mouth, he moved his hands.  He slid his nails down Michael’s ribs, feeling every one of them and with every inch Michael flinched and gasped with pleasure.  Michael could feel the heat from where Lukas had scratched him it was painful and hot, but he wanted more.  Michael expressed his desire with his tongue.  He invaded Lukas’s mouth with it and ran it over his teeth, tongue and top of it.  He wanted to be a part of him and fill him with desire.  Lukas took the hint and leaned back just enough to put his fingers between them.  He ran his nails down his chest and the front of his rib cage.  And like before Michael gasped, grasping Lukas’s shoulders, he held himself steady while pleasure flooded him.  Lukas took it further.  He broke his kisses with Michael, which made him wimper, and bit his ear then his neck, side and front, pushing his head back to reveal his tender throat.  He didn’t just nibble, he bit hard enough that Michael was sure that Lukas had drawn blood.  He was a little surprised but realized that this was Lukas’s way of expressing his anguish.  And he knew that if this kept him from having an attack, he would gladly do it for him.

            When Lukas was finished with Michael’s neck he bit his shoulders and the muscles in his upper arm, licking where he bit as if claiming the marks he left as his.  He stopped and looked at Michael, partially asking him if he was okay and partially telling him that he belong to Lukas.  Michael was flush; he bit his lower lip and smiled, inviting him to give him everything he had.  Lukas took that as a challenge and pulled him away from the wall and against him.  Lukas slid his hands down Michael’s back and right into his pants.  He grasped both is his cheeks in his hand and squeezed.  Michael let out a small sound of surprise, but stepped back, pulling Lukas with him.  Lukas followed and grabbed harder to him as his hand hit the wall and were stuck between it and Michael’s ass.  Michael slid his hands up Luka’s back and gripped his shoulders tightly, as if asking for more.

            Lukas grabbed onto his cheeks with new vigor and pulled him away from the wall and, turning Michael and himself around, moved towards the couch.  He stopped and pulled his hands out of Michael’s pants, but he didn’t abandon them.  He slid his index and middle fingers unto the tops of his pants, each starting at his hips and sliding them towards each other and the button on Michael’s jeans.  He stopped and looked up at Michael, who was biting his lip again, watching Lukas’s every move.

            “That fucking lip…” Lukas panted and slapped the button out of its hole at the same time he took Michael’s lower lip between his teeth.  Michael moaned and Lukas bit down harder then, sucked it and caressed it with his tongue.  Lukas unzipped Michael’s pants all while dominating his lip.  Michael was panting, partially from desire and partially from a little panic.  He pushed it down, hoping the alcohol would hit him full force very soon.  Michael reached around Lukas’s hands and reached for his trouser button.  He slid it out of the soft fabric and the zipper slid open as he pulled the fabric on either side apart.  Michael’s pants slid off of him and to the floor, leaving him standing in just his boxer briefs.  He reached around Lukas’s hips and started sliding them down, but he didn’t just take the trousers, he grasped the elastic of Lukas’s underwear and started sliding them down as well.  He knelt down as he pulled down, leaving him on his knees in from of a naked Lukas.  His head was about half way up his thigh, as he looked up he saw Lukas’s cock was hard and standing.  He couldn’t stop himself.  He reached up with a hand and grasped it, it was hot and twitching under his hand.  He sat up a little and laid Lukas’s cock up against his belly, pointing it upwards and he leaned in and licked it from his balls to the head and Lukas quivered and moaned.  So, he did it again, this time he used the full surface of his tongue, unafraid of what he was doing.  Lukas’s need had made him bold.  He let his cock fall and he took the head of it into his mouth.  He ran his tongue over and around it, feeling it twitch with each motion.  Lukas reached down and grabbed a handful of Michael’s hair, not demanding but asking.  Michael took a deep breath and slid his mouth over Lukas.  He took as much as he could before he choked and slid it back out slowly.  Lukas trembled a little so he did it a few more times, moving faster and wrapping his tongue around it as much as he could.

            “S-stop…” Lukas whispered.  Michael looked up ready to see a disappointed Lukas, but instead he saw a very flush and horny one.  “I’ll cum.”  Michael tried to hide his smile as he stood up in front of Lukas.  He didn’t waste time, Lukas pushed him down on the couch and straddled over him, his knees on either side of Michael’s hips.  “Let’s try something new,” he said, his voice hoarse.  He leaned down and kissed Michael and moved his way down until he had to slide down him to reach his bare skin with his lips.  He grabbed the top of Michael’s underwear with his teeth and tugged, he pulled down and Michael arched up with his hips allowing the fabric to slide down his legs at Lukas’s beckoning.  He removed them completely and slid his hands up Michael’s legs, sliding his hands between his thighs and pulling them apart.  He watched Michael’s face and breathing to make sure he wasn’t making him uncomfortable.  Michael was reacting to his touch with pleasure, he was gripping the couch with his hands.  So, Lukas continued.  He pulled up Michael’s knees up on either side of him, leaving Michael’s whole lower region completely exposed, his cock, his scrotum, and Lukas could even see down further.  Lukas took him in with his eyes, wanting to touch.  He glanced up at Michael and could tell that Michael was just waiting to see what he did next.

            “Tell me if this is uncomfortable for you…. I…” he licked his lips “since last time, I can’t stop thinking about explore this,” he ran a finger between Michael’s butt cheeks, slowing over his hole.  He made a circular motion with his index finger over it, it was soft and a dark red color.  He stopped playing and continued moving his fingers up until he found Michael’s other attraction.  “And this…” he said with hungry eyes.  He leaned down and kissed the head of Michael’s cock and Michael reacted with a small gasp and a twitch.  He followed Michael’s example and licked it.  He was surprised to find a bead of pre-cum nestled in the small groove of the head’s top.  He ran his finger over it, drawing the lubricant down the shaft then he licked his finger and found that he liked the way Michael tasted.  He ran that same finger down below again and started playing with Michael’s hole.  This time he grew bolder and slid the tip of his finger into it.  Michael squeezed tight around his finger, even though he had very little inside him.  He continued with the circular motions and slid his finger in further, the further he moved the more Michael clenched and he also saw him arch his hips, raising up to give Lukas more access.  He took that as a green light and slid his middle finger in beside his index finger.  Michael groaned a little and Lukas looked up at him.  He had his face turned but he could still see Lukas and his green eyes were glowing.  He nodded at Lukas and raised himself a little more, spreading his legs as far as he could.  Lukas laid down on his belly and was face to face with what he was doing.  He slid his fingers in further and Michael reacted again, so he slid them out slowly and re-inserted them, just as Michael had done with Lukas’s cock in his mouth earlier.  He pushed his fingers in until they were up to the last knuckle.  He wanted more.  He wanted to put another finger in or more and drive Michael crazy.  He needed Michael to show him that he was important and that he desired him above all else.

            Michael lifted his head a little to see Lukas better and saw his hesitation.  “If you don’t want to then we don’t have to, yet. But…” he bit his lip and smiled, “if you want to keep going and make me mental, I have some lubricant in this table’s drawer.”  He pointed to the end table closest to him.  Lukas looked at him with a question on his face.  “I… have been thinking about it too… and I’m willing to be your bottom, but only yours…”  Michael was flush and Lukas could see his pleasure and want.  He slid out his fingers and kissed the inside of Michael’s thigh.  Then he stood and walked to the table, opening the drawer slowly.  A small bottle of clear lubricant rolled to the front of the drawer.

            Lukas looked at the bottle for a moment then said quietly, “Michael, I—“

            “Don’t.”  Michael said and Lukas looked at him.  He had his breath taken from him as he looked down at him: he had the sheen of sweat on him and his face was red with excitement, his legs spread open leaving him exposed and he wasn’t ashamed, he laid there as if to say, “Devour me… Take me completely.”  Lukas felt his desire spike.  “I want it, I want you and only you.  Please…” he whispered as he reached over and wrapped his hand around the inside of Lukas’s thigh.  “Use me to take us both to madness…” he let out a sigh of anticipation.  “I want to hear you … I want to feel you all over me…”  His need was clear and Lukas left his hesitation behind and grabbed the bottle.  He kneeled down between Michael’s legs and opened the bottle.  He was about to pour it into his hand but Michael stopped him.  He sat up in front of Lukas, wrapping his legs around him.  “Let me,” he said, reaching out his hand.  Lukas tilted the bottle over his hand and poured some into it.  Michael watched it with hungry eyes.  He spread it over his hand with his fingers and then reached between them and grasped Lukas again.  Lukas gasped then moaned as Michael ran his hand up and down his cock, covering it in the lubricant.

            “Okay,” Michael said as he laid back down slowly, showing off his muscles in his abdomen.  Lukas was again surprised at how beautiful Michael was and he decided that he was going to give him his wish, he was going to devour him.

            Lukas held himself against Michael’s hole and nudged a little.  “I’ll go slow… at first,” he said and Michael nodded and lifted himself up to meet Lukas.  Michael took a deep breath and grasped the couch, readying himself.  “If it’s too much at any time, tell me.”  Lukas said.

            “Mhm,” was Michael’s response.

            “Michael…”

            Michael sat up a little so he could look at Lukas in the eye.  “Lukas, if you don’t fuck me I’m going to fuck you,” he said and laid back down.  Lukas smiled and started sliding himself into Michael.  Michael relaxed after a moment but he was still extremely tight.  He went slow, like he said he would, but after a few moments of slow movement and readjusting, Lukas couldn’t hold back any more.  He put his hands under Michael’s ass and lifted him up onto his own thighs, then pushed back Michael’s knees with his hands until the almost rested on his chest.  Lukas leaned over him, lifting himself up as well as Michael.  He pushed again, harder this time and further.  Michael gasped but didn’t object, so Lukas thrust hard again, pushing himself fully into Michael.  Lukas moaned and started sliding back out, but when he was half way out, he thrust himself back in, and he did it again and again, harder each time; and with each thrust Michael became more comfortable and he began to moan, becoming louder each time Lukas was full shaft into him.  Lukas leaned down again and kissed Michael and at the same time he began thrusting faster and harder and he caught Michael’s moans in his mouth.  He returned those sounds of desire with his own, each time he was completely part of Michael he let out his own voice.  Michael grasped Lukas around the back of his neck, pulling him closer and he began to move with Lukas, his hips slamming against Michael’s ass.

            “Feels…. So…. Augh!” Michael moaned.  “I think… I might…mmmmm….”

            “Oh yes… Michael,” Lukas was breathless but he felt a euphoria he had never felt before.  He was hot all over and all his nerves tingled.  “Should I pull out?”

            Michael gave him a look that told him that, if he did he was a dead man, so, he continued.  He was close, but he was waiting for Michael, so he reached down between them and grasped Michael’s shaft.  He rubbed it in time with their motion and Michael almost screamed, his moans were turning into loud “Ahhs!” but the second Lukas grasped him he growled.  Michael pushed against Lukas and leaned his head back, grasping Lukas with one hand and the couch with the other; he was leaving marks on both.  And then he fell silent for a second before letting out a deep throated sound as he came into Lukas’s hand.  Lukas bit his lip and continued with vigor.  He thrust into him several more times before he joined Michael, he felt the heat of his semen all around him, filling Michael’s hole.  He collapsed over Michael, slowly sliding out of him.  Michael felt his hot cum running out of him and he smiled.

Michael laid his legs down so Lukas could snuggle in between them as he laid his head on Michael’s chest.  He was breathing heavy and was covered in sweat.  Michael ran his fingers up and down his back, he was filled with satisfaction and the alcohol had done its job, he felt no panic coming on, but he was thinking that had to do with Lukas’s need too.  His need made him want to be strong.

            Lukas took a deep breath and rested his chin on Michael so he could look at him.  Michael was grinning like a fool and that made Lukas feel even better.  “Thank you, Michael.” He said.  “I can’t believe that we just did that.  I thought it would be a good while before we got to that stage.  I thought we’d have to do prep and flip a coin to see who was who.”  Michael laughed under him and Lukas soaked up the sound.

            “Looks like I’m not the only one that was doing research,” Michael said.

            “Can I ask something?” Lukas said after a moment.

            “Sure.”

            “Why did you let me… “

            “Put your cock inside me?” Michael finished his question.  Lukas nodded.  “I’ve been thinking a lot about it, not just the sex but us in general and I realized that I want you in any way I can get you.  I find myself feeling like I want to do anything I can to make your happy.  I realized that, if it’s you, I want to do everything, try anything, and I’d gladly let you fill me up.” He finished with a smile and Lukas, not for the first time, was taken aback.

            “I’ve never had that….” Lukas said.  “No one has ever wanted that from me.  Why are you so different, what makes me special enough?”

            “Honestly?” Michael said, “I don’t know, it doesn’t make any logical sense.  We are both broken and hide behind thick walls and yet I feel you in my heart already.  You’re filling up a place that’s been empty for a very long time and I don’t want to lose that.  I don’t want to lose your warmth; I didn’t know how cold I was until I felt it for the first time.”  Michael looked down at him with a serious look.  “Promise me that you’ll give it your all.  Promise that you’ll fight til the end and then keep on fighting.  Fight for me, fight with me.”  Lukas could hear his fear; his fear of being alone and hurting.

            “I promise that I’ll fight until I die.” Lukas said and leaned down onto his bare skin, kissing the salty sweat and nuzzling him.  “I never want to feel like I did without you again,” he said against his skin and Michael wrapped his arms around him and held him tight.