Chapter Two: Breaking the Ice

Chapter Two: Breaking the Ice

            Lukas left the club in a hurry, in disbelief at what had just transpired.  When did he go completely mad?  He just kissed another man and why?  Because he was there?  Because he was kind?  Because he knew exactly what he needed in the moment panic took over his body?  It wasn’t as if he was partly to blame for it, if he hadn’t even been in the room he wouldn’t have needed comfort or he could have at least dealt with it alone, without anyone seeing.  Now, not only was his secret known to another but he had to go and make it worse by kissing him?!

            He pulled up his collar to hide himself as he walked quickly to the subway.  Why had he even gone to that club in the first place?  His brother.  His obnoxious big brother had urged him to try new things.  He was trying to help in his own way but Lukas knew himself better than his brother did and knew that a place like that would trigger him.  He knew but he still went.  He wants to get better, but it hurts every time he fails.  He averaged one panic attack a day but the more he tried to make them go away the more he had them.

            He locked himself in his apartment for the next several days, draining all his emotion and energy into his new play.  That was his secret.  He used his dark emotions and turned them into light, on paper at least.  Everything he wrote was beautiful, as if he had a golden touch.  If he could do that in his real life then maybe he would stop hating everybody and be able to breathe without fear.  Why that man in the club?  He didn’t even know his name.  Why did he follow him and why did Lukas allow him to see him at his weakest?  His mind started to wander and soon he was thinking faster than he could write, his scribbles were undiscernible and he would spend a good amount of time translating them into English later.  This would be his best play yet.

***

                Michael walked back to Yuuki’s in a haze.  He hadn’t even told him he was leaving, but how could he face him after what had just happened?  He flopped down on his couch, not even bothering to turn on any lights.  He linger on that moment.  He wasn’t repulsed, just confused.  Had he really kissed him?  Lukas, the ice king of New York, kissed him, quiet, keep-to-himself Michael?  That didn’t make any sense.  Of course he was in the middle of a panic attack and Michael did comfort him, but usually a thank you suffices in situations like that, even if it had been between a man and a woman rather than two men.  Maybe he was still really drunk and his mind was playing tricks on him.  Why a kiss, though?  Even his mind wasn’t that warped.

            He was pulled out of his thoughts by his phone ringing and he fell off the couch trying to dig it out of his pocket.

            “Ow…. Hello?  Yuuki?”

            “Miiiiiiiicheal!  Where did you go?” his voice was almost drowned out by the music still pumping in the club.

            “I somehow made it back to your place.”
            “That sounds like an adventure!” Yuuki was clearly more drunk that Michael.

            “Do you need an escort home?  I haven’t taken my boots off yet.” Michael said cheerfully, glad for the distraction.

            “I need a date to Denny’s!”  He sounded happy but feigned disappointment.

            “How could I have forgotten the tradition!?”  Every time they drank, they went to Denny’s after for food that, most of the time, the never actually ate.  “I’ll meet you there in 15?”

            “Don’t be late!” he said and, from the sounds of it, dropped his phone, giggled then finally hung up.  Michael stood up from the floor and shuffled to the door.  Outside it had started snowing so he pulled his hood up as he walked down the street, his breath fogging up in front of him.  He quickened his pace so he made it to the diner in less than ten minutes but Yuuki had somehow beaten him there.

            “Miiiii-woah-ok-chael!” he said as his slid on the sidewalk, waving vigorously at him.

            “Hey!” Michael responded as he crossed the street to where Yuuki was waiting.

            “The girls were cold so they went in ahead of us,” he said opening the door.

            “Girls?”  in all the commotion Michael had forgotten about the girls they had been dancing with.  “Oh!” he said as he caught sight of them.  They were still beautiful, even in the fluorescent light of the diner.  They were a little sweaty and the one he had been dancing with had pulled her long hair up and she smiled at him when she saw him.  He could see her better now, she had hazel eyes and light brown hair with purple streaked through it, she was average height but she looked good.  Her friend had shoulder length, dark, wavy hair and dark brown eyes.  She was a little shorter than the first girl and a little chubby but she was gorgeous.  They were in a booth so he had to sit close to this girl; he had been hoping for some time with Yuuki to talk with him but he had to put up a front so the ladies wouldn’t notice he wasn’t enjoying himself.

            “Hello there,” the long haired girl said as he sat down, trying not to touch her.  “I don’t think we have been properly introduced.  My name is Elane, but you can call me Ellie, El, or just E, whatever is easiest. I answer to pretty much anything.

            “And my name is Sarah, you can call me Sarah,” she said with a laugh and Yuuki wrapped his arm around her.

            They introduced themselves and then chatted for over an hour over water and bacon before they started to sober up.  During that time, Ellie had placed her hand on Michael’s thigh and was slowly sliding it up.  He didn’t mind it so much but he was elsewhere and barely noticed.

“Well, I feel much better,” Yuuki said, patting his stomach.  “So, Sarah, Ellie, tell me what you gals do?”

            “I’m two years into graduate school.” Ellie said when Sarah hesitated, acting shy.  “I’m studying biology, hoping to be a professor and travel around the world helping teach people about endangered species.  I love teaching so it’s my dream.” Ellie said with a smile, she beamed as she talked more about what she did every day and where she wants to end up.  Michael looked at her and nodded, pretending to be listening but he tuned her out on the finer details.  Then, he was drawn back in when Sarah started talking, the change in voice caught his attention.

            “I work downtown as an accountant, its hard work but I love the hours and the pay, haha.”  Sarah looked at Yuuki and smiled, “What do you do?”

            “Michael and I are both authors.  I work on comics, my work is pretty well known but, if you haven’t heard of it, I won’t be offended.” Yuuki said.

            “Oh yes you will,” Michael said jokingly.

            “Maybe a little,” Yuuki laughed.

            “You’ll have to show me what you are working on sometime, if you don’t mind,” Sarah said with puppy eyes and a pouty lip.

            “Um…” Yuuki hesitated.

            “That might not be possible.” Michael stepped in, “He is very protective of his work.  He’s had girls in the past look down on it, even though it’s amazing and much more well know that he’s letting on.”

            “Michael!”  Yuuki exclaimed.  “I’m not ashamed of my work,”

            “And you shouldn’t be,” Michael said.

            “I just don’t like the stigma that is around comics,” Yuuki continued as if Michael didn’t even talk.  “And being half Japanese with all manga craze, it’s hard for people to take my comic seriously, they all want what’s coming from Asia and that’s not where my passion lies.”  He finished with a huff.

            “Oh no, I won’t expect that.  I’m a fan of all forms of art and I look at each piece as it should be looked at: as its own entity.”  Sarah said and Ellie nodded in agreement.  “But I understand if you don’t want to show me the new stuff, we can take a walk to the comic book store and you can show me the stuff that is already published.”  She smiled and gently rubbed his hand in comfort.  He smiled back at her and thanked her for being so open-minded.

                They drifted off into conversation about his story and he showed them pictures he had on his phone of some of his stand-alone art.  They were in the middle of a heated talk, their cheeks flush and words flowing from their lips.  Michael sat back and just listened.  Skipped over again, huh? –sigh-  I should be used to this by now.  As his mind drifted, he noticed that Ellie’s hand had been removed at some point.  She lost interest?  He looked over at her but she was looking at Yuuki and his phone.  Yuuki could hold the attention of anyone when he tried, which he wasn’t right now, but he was so animated, as per his personality, that he held the girls’ attention and fascination without even breaking a sweat.  Everywhere he goes he fits in, even has a great time, I’ve never seen him uncomfortable or out of place.  I wish I wasn’t so dull.  Michael placed his elbow on the table and rested his chin in his hand.  He tried not to leak disappointment; he was happy for Yuuki, but that didn’t stop him from being jealous.

            The other three soon ran out of energy and decided it was time to leave.  “Can we exchange numbers?”  Yuuki asked as they gathered their coats and made their way to the door.

            “Of course!” Sarah said, “I still want to see your work!”

            “Sure,” Ellie said, and the three of them put their heads together.  Michael pushed his way out the door.  He stood out in the chilly night, the snow had become heavier but he didn’t mind.  He reached out a hand and let the snow melt on his palm.  Another, gloved hand covered his and he looked up to see Ellie.

            “You seem distracted,” she said, a sincere look in her eyes.

            “Really?” he said, lowering his hand.

            “Yes, I may be drunk but I’m not stupid.”

            “And here I thought I was doing a good job at faking amusement.” He had meant it as a joke but it came out with less humor than he intended.  He cleared his throat to try to distract from it.  “I’m sorry.”

            “I’ll let it go as long as it wasn’t because of me.” she said.

            “Oh no, most definitely not, I’ve just got a lot on my mind right now.”

            “I see,” she said and leaned in, kissing him on the cheek, “could I offer you a distraction?” she asked sweetly.

            He looked at her as if seeing her for the first time.  She was being genuinely kind.  “What did you have in mind?” he asked.

            She grabbed his hand and started walking down the sidewalk, the opposite direction of Yuuki’s apartment.  “Come back to my place, I can guarantee it will be worth your while.”  She smiled and winked at him.

            “Oh really?” he replied, she hadn’t looked past me.

            “Mhm” she nodded, biting her lower lip.

            “Well, color me intrigued.  I shall accompany you to your abode,” he said and half bowed.  She giggle and pulled harder on his hand as she led the way.  She lived near the diner, it only took them seven minutes or so to reach her front door.  She took him up to the fourth floor.  4B was shining in gold on the one she unlocked.  She unzipped her knee high boots and slid them off in the doorway and he follow suite.

            “Welcome welcome!” She said turning around and motioning to the apartment.  It was cozy, her personality was everywhere: pictures of animals all over the walls and flowers painted between them.  She had an eye for art.  There was a small kitchen to the left of the front door but straight in was the living room/dining room combo that had a sliding glass door taking up most of the far wall and a doorway at the far left end of the room.  She had a small tree displayed in front of the glass door, lit up with color lights and snow flake ornaments.  She had lights strung everywhere, it would have been tacky if she hadn’t done it in such a unique way, another way her personality was showing.

            “This is very welcoming,” he said as he took in all the lights and art.  “You have good taste.”

            “Well thank you,” she said as she slid off her coat and hung it on a hook by the door.  “Let me take that for you,” she said motioning to his coat.  He slid it off and handed it to her.

            “Thank you.” He said.

            After she hung up his coat, she stood behind him, wrapping her arms around him and kissing his shoulder.  We’re starting?  That was quick.  He laid his hands on hers and leaned against her.  He could feel her breathing quicken.  She wants …me?  He turned around, breaking her grasp and put his hands on either side of her head, drawing her attention to his face.

            “Is this what you really want?” he whispered.

            “Yes,” she was half impassioned already.  He leaned down and kissed her.  As soon as his lips touched hers all he felt were Lukas’s.  He gasped and pulled back and she smiled, mistaking what he was reacting to.  She pulled him back down to her and she kissed him again.  She was hungry and all of her need was displayed through her soft red lips.  He ran his hands over her shoulders and down her back, pulling her close to him, but he didn’t feel her.  Her hands were replaced by larger, hotter hands and instead of her small moan he heard Lukas’s voice fill his ears: “Now… I’m curious.”  He tried to pull away again, but she bit his lip and wouldn’t let him.

            “Huh uh,” she said against his lips, “You’re not getting away this time.”  She reached down to the bottom of his shirt and ran her fingers up his stomach under the soft cloth.

            “Mmm.” He tried to speak, but he couldn’t.  He didn’t want her touching him.  He finally grasped her hips and pushed her back away from him.  She made a disappointed sound.  He dropped his hands.

            “I should have known,” she said, putting her fists on her hips.

            “I’m sorry,” he said, not being able to look at her, “but I just—“

            “Have a lot on your mind?” she interrupted.  “I get it, I do too, but you have to take a break every once and a while.  You’ve been distracted all night.”  She poked him in the belly and he looked at her in shock.  She wasn’t mad, she was smiling.  “Now, this can go two ways, you can leave here now and I’ll be upset OR we can have a cup of iced tea and you can tell me what’s going on.”

            “Huh?” he said, stupidly.

            “Look, I don’t just throw myself at just anybody.  Believe it or not I know who you are and I was intrigued.  Honestly, I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw you with Yuuki.”

            “You know me?  How?”

            She sighed and walked over to a book shelf.  She pulled out a book and handed it to him.  “I read.”  It was his latest novel.  “You do know you’re also a well-known novelist, right?” she asked sarcastically.  Not that well known, Michael thought.

            “Oh,” he said.

            “Yep,” she walked past him to the kitchen.  “Do I need a large glass or a small one?”

            “What?” he asked, feeling stupid, again, when he realized she was talking about iced tea.  “Oh, um… I don’t know if you’ll want to know what’s on my mind.”

            “I would have kicked you out already if I didn’t.” she said coming back with two medium glasses of tea.  “Here.” She handed him one and went to the couch and sat down.  He hesitated before he followed her, setting his glass on the coffee table.  “Spill,” she insisted.

            “I don’t know, I haven’t even talked to Yuuki yet.”

            “Well, he’s busy and right now you need a bud, so let me be that bud, I’m obviously not doing anything else tonight,” she raised an eyebrow at him to make her point.

            “I don’t know how you make friends, but normally you build up to something like this, not instead of sex let’s talk, girl to girl.” He fluttered his eyes like a posh lady.

            “This is how I make friends, I’m not shy, but if you are then you don’t have to tell me, but I might be able to help.  And you know us girls, we just can’t help fixing things,” she said with a smile.

            He hesitated and she just sat silent, sipping her tea.  “I was kissed,” he blurted out after a second.

            “Oh no, the world is ending!” she said jokingly.

            “If you’re going to make fun then why did you ask?” he was about to get up when she grabbed his wrist.

            “I’m sorry, I am.  Help me understand, cause we kissed and that isn’t affecting you nearly as much.  Who was it? An old friend?  A work mate?  An old enemy??” she was getting more excited with each guess.

            “It…. Was a man.”
            “Oh~” she said.  “Assume you’re NOT gay or bi, because you came home with me, though those dance skills leave one to wonder…”  she drifted off for a second then caught herself.  “Anyways, was it that it was a guy that kissed you, was it THE guy, or was it that you like it?”  She had nailed all three of his concerns.

            “I don’t know and I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.”

            “I get it, you’re thoughts and emotions are all over the place, you need time.”

            “They are so distracting I didn’t even have a mild panic attack when she touched me…” he mumbled, thinking to himself.

            “What?” she asked.

            “What what?”

            “You said you didn’t have a panic attack when I touched you.  Should you have?” she asked with concern, for him or for her, he didn’t know.

            He didn’t say anything for a moment, realizing he had thought out loud.  “The only one that knows about that is Yuuki.  Its not something I broadcast, and usually when I’m drunk its delayed until after I leave.”
            “I understand, I won’t say anything—“

            “Its not that I’m ashamed!” he stood up and started pacing, “It’s just none of anyone’s business and the judgement isn’t—“

            “It’s okay,” she stood up and hugged him.  “I won’t judge you.” She squeezed him tight and her warmth calmed him.

            “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

            “Don’t be.” She said.  He stepped away from her and she took on a whole different look to him.  She was a friend to him even though she didn’t know him, it was natural for her.

            “I think I should go,” he said.

            “Okay, are you sure?  Will you be okay?” she asked walking behind him to the door.

            “Yeah, I always am.”  He slid his coat and shoes on.

            She walked back into the kitchen, “here,” she said as she returned to him, “Take my number and call me if you need to talk and sent me a text when you get home.”  She handed him a post-it-note with her name and number scrawled on it.

            He took it reluctantly.  “Why do you care so much?” he asked.

            “I’m human?”  she said as if it was normal.

            “Well, you’re the first I met, then”

            “Then you need to learn to pay more attention.” She said.

            “Yeah…”  He reached for the door.  “Thanks for… well, whatever you would call this.”

            “You are most welcome,” she said and hugged him again.

            He made the trip home and flopped down onto his bed before he remembered that he smelled like sweat and smoke.  He reluctantly dragged himself to the bathroom where he showered, slowly.  His head was swimming from the night.  He couldn’t believe all that had happened and somehow he had made a new friend.

            “Oh shit!”  He wrapped himself in a towel and quickly grabbed his phone out of his pant pocket.  He already had a message from Ellie asking if he made it home safely and thanking him for “walking her home ;).”  He responded then climbed into bed with a sigh.

            He slept well past noon the next day and would have slept longer if he didn’t get a text from not only Yuuki, but also Elli and Sarah.  How does Sarah even have my phone number? he wondered as he stretched and wished for more sleep.  As soon as his head hit the pillow again, he got another text from Yuuki.

           

            Hey! Get up! I’m on my way to

 your place.  I brought lunch. 

Thought we could do some

brain storming today.  See you in 10!

            “Auuuuggghhhh.” Michael groaned.  As much as he wanted his friend’s time last night, he was hoping for some alone time today.  He pulled on a pair of gym pants and a t-shirt and mozied into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

            When Yuuki arrived they had a heated conversation about what he had planned for the future of his comic and Michael gave him feedback.  They came up with several ideas for Michael but he didn’t feel like any of them were for him.  They called it a day when the Rangers game started.  Neither was a sports addict but they never missed a hockey game if they could avoid it.

            Yuuki left after the game and Michael sighed in relief at the quiet.  He watched a little more TV before heading off to bed.

            The next few days he devoted to coming up with a story.  When he got frustrated he watched TV or read, trying to ignite his imagination.  When several days passed and he still had nothing he decided to take a walk down the street to the corner store and get a sub and some snacks.  He was enjoying the snow and cool air so much on his walk that he almost bumped into several people before making it to the store.  On his way back out of the store, with two full bags of junk food, subs, and soda, something caught his eye.  He walked in front of the alley closest to the store and recognized the copper hair he saw.  He quickly stepped back and against the wall, hiding from Lukas.

            “Why are you here?” he whispered.  He dreaded running into him again after the other night but for some reason he was excited.  “What is happening to me?” he asked himself, frustrated.  He put his hood up and stepped away from the wall.  He started walking back towards his house but as soon as he breached the alley he was stopped.  Lukas stood in front of him, stopping him in his tracks.

            “What are you doing here?” he demanded.

            “I could ask you the same thing.” Michael responded.

            Lukas raised an eye brow at him in disgust.  “I live near here, if you must know.”

            “Well, funny that.  I also live near here.”  He held his bags close to his leg and took a step to the side.  “And if you don’t mind I’d like to get back to my apartment.  I have work to do.”  He stepped past Lukas and thought he was in the clear.  He was wrong.

            “No,” Lukas said and grabbed his arm, dragging him into the alley, far enough back that they were shadowed and no one could see them.  “I want to talk about what happened.”

            Michael took a deep breath; being cornered was doing nothing for his anxiety.  “What happened?” He asked, feigning ignorance.  He felt his chest get tight.  I have to get out of here.

            He gave him a look of irritation, “You know what happened.”

            “Do I?” he asked, his breath coming faster.  “I’m not quite sure that I do?  I believe that one human comforted another that was having a hard time and that is all.”

            “If you want it to be that way then fine.  But tell me this, have you been sleeping?  And how is your writing going?”

            “What?” he was taken by surprise.  “Of course I’m sleeping and my writing is none of your business.”

            “That may be but I’m curious.”  Lukas said and Michael heard the echo of the last time he had said it.

            Michael flushed and replied, “If you must know I am at a standstill.  And have been for over a week now.  I have a lot on my mind.”

            “Would I happen to be one of those things?” Lukas asked, with a hint of a smile in his voice.

            “No you are not.” Michael responded, irritated, “Now, if you don’t mind—“

            “I do mind.” Lukas said and stepped closer to him.  “I can’t stop thinking about you.”  Michael was in shock and looked him straight on for the first time.  “I don’t even know your name,” Lukas stepped even closer and put a hand on the wall beside him, blocking him completely in.  Michael’s heart rate shot up and he grabbed his chest before he could stop himself.  He quickly put his arm back down.

            “Mi-Michael,” he said around a deep breathe.

            “Michael, of course.” Lukas ran a cold finger down the side of Michael’s face and he shuttered.  Please hold off, please.  “Michael, I’m curious about what you have done to me.  I’ve… I’ve never felt this way before.”  He leaned in and kissed him.  He was gently and Michael could feel his confusion.  He wanted to pull away, to catch his breath, to run and hide, but part of him had him frozen.  He was curious, too.  Without thinking, he leaned into Lukas’s kiss and replied with the same emotion.

            “Mmm,” Lukas wrapped an arm around his back and pulled him against him.  He reached down and slid his other hand down his chest and slid it between two buttons of his coat.  Michael felt his fingers touch him and he pulled away in panic.  I can’t breathe.   He turned away from Lukas and knelt down, placing his hot forehead against the cold wall.  His sight was starting to go black and his breath was shallow and fast.  He thought his heart was going to pound right out of his chest.

            Lukas didn’t ask him if he was ok, he just bent down and laid against his back, covering him with his body.  “I’m sorry,” he said against him, but he didn’t move.  “I’m here,” he said, “I’ll protect you.  No one is going to touch you, I promise.”  He heard his own promise, made to Lukas a few night prior and was surprised how much it meant to him.  He tried to take a deep breath but it came short and he slouched against the wall as he blacked out.

            Michael woke with his head against someone’s chest.  He looked up and saw Lukas, he was sitting on the cold ground with Michael between his legs, resting on his warm chest.  He could hear his heart beat, calm and stead.  Lukas smiled at him for the first time and Michael couldn’t help the tears that came to his eyes.  Lukas put a hand gently on the side of Michael’s head and held him still against him.  “It’s alright, Michael, I’m still here.”  He remained in Lukas’s arms for a few minutes.  He didn’t want to move but he knew he had to.

            “I’m so sorry you had to see that,” he said as he sat up and pulled himself together.  Both men stood and brushed off the snow.

            “Don’t be sorry,” again he echoed his own words to him.  “It was my fault, I didn’t know you had it or that I would trigger it.”

            “I assure you, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Michael said, embarrassed, and turning away.

            “Don’t be ashamed.  I’ll tell no one.”

            “Thank you,” Michael whispered.  He looked at Lukas and saw him smile again.

            Lukas touched his cheek again and, leaning in, kissed it softly.  “We’ll go slow.”  Michael caught himself nodding, he was still a little weak and couldn’t stop thinking about how Lukas had held him.  No one had ever done that for him.  Lukas stepped back and pulled out a card.  He handed it to Michael.  “I’d like to get to know you.”

            “Me?  I thought you were a hard ass and hated everyone.”  Michael said without thinking.

            “I do hate everyone.” Lukas responded a little bit of his wall going back up.  “But not you and I want to know why.”  Michael took his card.  “Call me.”  Lukas left Michael in the alley.

            Michael took out his phone, still flush and panicked:

            Are you busy?

            A few seconds later his phone rang.  “Hello?” He paused listening.  “Can we meet up?”  Pause.  “Okay, I’ll see you in an hour.”